FSU Student Faces Big UTI
It’s no secret that Tallahassee smells like shit. In fact, the stench and ambiance of the city have created what the younger generation colloquially describes as “Tallanasty.” The rancid vibes of this party town exist solely because of the poor hygiene practices of stinky frat boys and drunk partygoers.
“I’m just so tired of living in a state of constant nausea and regret for majoring in Women’s Studies across the street from Governor Ron DeSantis. So I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands” said an anonymous student. This past September, Miss Jane Doe requested a movement in the FSU Senate to put bidets in every bathroom on FSU’s campus. While most Senate members were perplexed by this request, believing that skid marks were a normal part of the human experience, they decided to go through with this initiative in hopes it would rank FSU as ‘most bougie’ in the following Niche University ranking!
Following the initiative, the hashtag #cleanurbutts gained local traction on Twitter with the help of Tallahassee’s chapter of the Clean Butts Coalition. As individuals across the city were learning about the health and sensorial benefits of cleaning oneself, University Health Services noticed a drastic decrease in patients with urinary tract infections. “UTI testing and treatment is the most significant contributor to the Tallahassee economy,” stated The Tallahassee Community of Gynecologists and Urologists, also known as Big UTI, released to describe how this public health initiative may be detrimental to Tallahassee in the long run.
An anonymous gynecologist gave a statement appearing very concerned. “Normally, I have 5 to 10 patients a day I can convince to take a UTI test. Now it’s reduced to 2. If I lose any more, I’m unsure if I’ll be able to afford my trip to Bali. We’re treading some dangerous waters here.” Fearing a decrease in funding for second homes and potentially not making enough for tax evasion, Big UTI lobbyists stormed President McCollough’s house in protest, chanting, “Skidmarks are beautiful!”
President McCollough decided to veto the legislation as it would be discriminatory to those who “prefer a more natural way of life.” Since this act of executive power, candle sales have been on the rise again. However, our totally not corrupt president denies any ties to the candle industry despite obtaining a monthly Bath and Body Works subscription. When asked how she felt about her movement being a Big Ass Failure, Jane Doe refused to comment. Despite being a woman, she drastically underestimated the power of the purse. It seems as though she’s learned absolutely nothing from her Women’s Studies courses.