Student Union To Be Torn Down in Order To Make Room for a Giant Golden Keon Coleman Statue

On May 17th, 2003, in Opelousas, Louisiana, the world said hello to Keon Coleman. Standing at a jaw-dropping 6’4” and 215 pounds (washboard abs of course), this sweet angel said hello to FSU during the recent 2023 football season. As I’m sure you’ve heard, our precious new wide receiver has made an immediate impact on Tallahassee and FSU football’s success, which is basically the same thing. He has made so much of an impact, that President Mcollough and the powers that be have made the genius decision to tear down the recently built student union in order to Immortalize my our glorious king #4. 

You might be thinking, “We just got the Student Union after years of waiting” and, “Why would we do this to something so nice and new?”. Tell me one good thing you’ve gotten from the Union. You can’t. What does it have? 30-minute-long Panda Express lines? The inability to steal from Panera? You’re delusional if you think that waste of space has value compared to a radiant shining statue made of solid gold for our Chosen One who will finally be the piece to bring us another Natty. Many support the decision, “Keon Coleman is more important to this city than anything money could buy” claimed an FSU Football Social media intern who was reading off of a script I paid him $5 to read. Can you blame him though? Have you seen how #4 puts it all on the line? He’s like Spiderman for God’s sake.

Fake fans, and the people who I affectionately refer to as Student Union glazers, probably don’t understand why anyone would do this. Take a second and remember this is Tallahassee, a city that lives and dies by the pig skin. Bob “Stunion” Roberts, the inventor of Student Unions themselves and program director of FSU’s own, when questioned about the decision addressed concerns, “The amount of money we’re gonna spend on this statue because it’s solid gold, will probably put us in extreme debt, but THE NOLES ARE GOING ALL THE WAY THIS YEAR MOVE OVER JORDAN TRAVIS THIS IS COLEMAN’S TOWN.” He would go on to shout and do the war chant for the remainder of our conversation. Mr. Roberts, much like me and other loyal Coleman truthers, is confident that this isn’t an overreaction. Keon played football AND basketball for Michigan State, so maybe he could do the same here and bring us TWO Nattys this year. 

Naturally, there will be many hurt by this announcement. Some may wonder why it’s not Jordan Travis, or even Mike Norvell getting a 20-foot-tall glistening statue. Those people simply don’t know ball. I pity those people. After hearing this you might even ask: “Why is this guy glazing a random football player so much? Is this a donut factory? Do they know you can get pregnant from all that meatriding?” I’m sorry but I don’t have an answer for you. Anyways, who knew a state full of freaks like Michigan could produce such a beautiful, talented, handsome, and did I mention beautiful man.