FSU Parking Services Unveil “Deal With The Devil Pass": Exchange Your Soul For Better Chances At a Space
Tallahassee is built to drive, but it seems like it doesn’t want you to. Cars dominate the city, for better or for worse, and there aren’t many options if you want to be a good student and get to classes like you tell your parents (side note: if you’re rich enough to Uber to class every day, just know I’m robbing your apartment). In life at FSU, we inevitably face things like alcoholism, fried chicken burnout, STDs, and the final boss: parking. The chimp with a typewriter who has decided to keep letting in record-breaking after record-breaking numbers of applicants each year needs to know that, at some point, this place’s capacity will burst like the buttons on my dad’s dress shirt. Thankfully, Lucifer himself has struck a deal with President McCullough to help you out! Is increasing your chances of getting that spot in Traditions Garage by 5% worth enough to you? Because it’s going to cost eternal damnation.
Other college towns might also have shitty parking situations, but the heat in hell can’t be as bad as this city’s in August. We decided to talk to the man responsible to find out why he’s so invested in improving our parking situation. Via Ouija board, Lucifer was summoned where he commented, “Tallahassee was always one of my favorite cities, why do you think I put so many of my favorite restaurants here?” He was talking about Madison Social, of course. “I don’t think I’m asking for too much. You go to college to reinvent yourself, so shedding your soul shouldn’t be harder than going clubbing on a Monday night.” He had some good points, but the Ouija interview was unfortunately cut short when The Eggplant’s Mystery Mobile™ was towed after we left it on the first floor of Traditions Garage.
Some would argue that the Devil already exists in other parts of the city. Lord knows what’s going on with those sorority girls – that tan must be the mark of a journey through hellfire. Since many in Greek life are clearly possessed, it was fitting to reach out and see how they feel. Kimberlynn, a Kappa Delta, felt that “it doesn’t really matter, my daddy is gonna pay for it regardless. He works on Wall Street already, so I don’t think there’s much salvation for him in the first place.” The interview had to be cut short (two in one story, what a bummer) because her true form started to crack through her thick shell of a tan, causing her head to spin 360 degrees, spewing vomit everywhere. Needless to say, the new parking initiative has found a supply of eager customers ready to pay the price one way or another.
What would FSU be doing without new initiatives like this one? Actually build more sustainable infrastructure in the city that allows for more walking and public transportation? Build more free parking? Nah, none of that makes money. The Devil may have gotten to me with a little of his lettuce (apologies in advance for that joke). At least be happy they’re not charging us money, because realistically they would just give it to the athletics department which doesn’t need a bigger allowance.