Donald Trump Appoints Martha Stewart As New Head of Corrections As He Plans to Expand Federal Prison System in 2025
In a bold and relatively empathetic move, President-elect Donald Trump has appointed lifestyle guru and convicted felon Martha Stewart as the new Head of Corrections for the Federal Bureau of Prisons. The reasoning behind this decision stems from Trump's broader strategy to expand the federal prison system, anticipating an increased number of inmates under his administration. Trump has vowed to focus largely on petty crimes committed by minorities, and Stewart, a former white-collar offender, appeared to Trump as the perfect candidate.
“Martha knows what it means to serve time, and frankly, she did it better than most,” the former president asserted, waving his hands in a classic Donald-like fashion. “Believe me, she’s tough, she’s determined. Who better to run our prisons than a woman who turned her prison sentence into a branding opportunity?” Stewart, who was nabbed on charges related to insider trading, has been steadily milking the situation for years, creating a new identity for herself. Trump, also infamous for his commitment to milking situations (and minors) that should be left alone, argued that the initiative will help “Make America’s Corrections Great Again.” “Make America’s Corrections Great Again” is also the new tagline for his latest merch drop, with all proceeds going directly to Melania’s White House Christmas decor fund.
With this, Stewart seems eager to embrace the challenge. While the star quietly supported Harris in the 2024 presidential race, she has now decided to push politics aside. “I’m not overly political, but I want to make a difference in any way I can. I’m especially thankful to President Trump for allowing me to embrace this role. Opportunities for convicted felons, known criminals, and those of us with public moral failings are hard to come by, but he is working to change that,” Stewart said through a tearful, gracious smile. Though this announcement might have initially been alarming, Trump was quick to reassure his community, known for being calm and taking news well, with a statement posted on Truth Social: “To my fellow white-collar crime committers, please remain calm. Billionaires, you can continue in your lawless manner.” Ever gracious, the billionaires at hand have taken to presenting their urban plans for innovative sex trafficking islands.
Any plans for tax evasion must be accompanied by an annual income of USD $100 million or a historically close personal friendship with the late Jeffery Epstein. Those wishing to be pardoned must take the newly offered approach outside of the courtroom, which begins with the individual kneeling in front of Trump and Stewart, and, with their hands clasped in front of their chest, repeat “please, please, please, please,” until the pair reaches a verdict. The hearing has been reported to take hours, so convicts… make sure those schedules are cleared!