Pollo Tropical Gets Order Right in Historic First

South Florida restaurant chain Pollo Tropical has just successfully delivered an order to a customer, according to a recent press release. Riots have erupted in every major municipality south of Orlando, with Broward County having imposed martial law in an attempt to quash rapidly magnifying civil unrest. Miami-Dade has been all but leveled. All 450,000 residents of the city proper were displaced when runs on area Pollo Tropical franchises turned sour a few hours ago. Unable to cope with the massive influx of customers, the powers-that-be at Pollo Tropical put their doomsday contingency plan into action. Swarms of the popular Caribbean chain’s Secret Child Militia descended on citizens in a disturbing (albeit strange) show of paramilitary force, hurtling stale tostones at angry mobs and threatening ne’er-do-wells with yucca root batons. No deaths have been reported.

At the center of all this is William Verdelly, the blessed recipient of the unprecedented errorless order. Aside from attracting miracles, Verdelly would describe himself as “a typical Floridian.” After attending his morning Santería ritual and picking up a pack of 305 menthol cigarettes, he rode his Buick LeSabre down to his local Pollo Tropical for some well-deserved breakfast. Upon tearing open the familiarly flimsy brown and green paper bag, Verdelly was shocked to find that he had received exactly what he ordered. Sitting in the usual pool of unknown liquid was the large chicken TropiChop with white rice, black beans, peppers, onions, tomatoes, and corn he had waited so long for. They had even included a spoon wrapped in a greaseless napkin.

“The bastards did it. They finally did it. I haven’t been this excited since the first time I got out of the state pen – or maybe when I won 50 bucks off a scratcher last Tuesday. Either way, I’m stoked,” Verdelly stated in a TikTok press release. “I never got to eat it, though. I’m a few bands in the hole with the Curaleaf ‘people’ and I haven’t gotten my disability check yet, so I’m thinking about selling the individual beans and rice grains on eBay for a couple bucks. My buddy’s making me some certificates and stuff, so it’ll be all official. Keep an eye out for that PSA 10 Grade.”

The impact today’s events have had on our nation’s cultural (and physical) landscape is undeniable. Perhaps transcending Floridian restaurant tribalism was the real miracle after all.