Local Man Votes Twice Because He “Doesn’t Want Either Candidate to Feel Left Out”

This election cycle may be the most important of our lifetimes. Everyone was saying the same thing last time but this time they mean it, right? In a display of civic duty that has left local officials baffled. Tallahassee native, 31-year-old Wyatt Brooks made history this presidential election by casting his vote not once, but twice. His reasoning? He couldn’t stand the idea of either candidate feeling excluded.

“Everywhere I went, people kept urging me to vote,” he said, scratching his head. “Some told me I had to support Kamala, so I went in there, and that’s what I ended up doing,” Brooks admitted, however, that the decision wasn’t so easy. After completing his first ballot where he admitted to flipping a coin, he wandered over to the library to clear his mind. “These beautiful, all-American candidates are begging for my unconditional love—why can’t I give it to both?” he pondered, clearly having missed the memo on voter fraud consequences. “Why not give the other guy a chance too?” he said with a shrug. “You gotta feel bad for Trump. He can never catch a break,” Brooks reasoned with a sympathetic smile. 

With that logic, Brooks marched right back into the polling office that afternoon, determined to make a stand. He even described his thought process while filling out the ballots. “That time, I voted for Trump. Then came the rest of those questions, like… ‘Should Judge Beatrice Francis be retained in office?’ Honestly, I didn’t give a fuck.” Brooks told us he Christmas tree’d it like a scantron test both times. While Brooks remained indecisive throughout most of the voting process, there was one thing he firmly took a stance on: “Yes on Amendment 3!” he hollered as he climbed into his ’98 Civic, taking a rip of his dab pen before driving home. 

Reactions from the community have been mixed. “I appreciate the spirit of what Wyatt was trying to do, but he might need to re-evaluate his understanding of how elections work,” said a polling official with a punchable face. “We’ve seen people confused about where to vote, but double-dipping? That takes a special kind of dedication.” Another poll worker joined in, shaking his head. “I’ve never seen someone try to represent both parties at once. First, it was the ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, then I looked down and noticed a Harris/Walz t-shirt.” 

Tensions escalated at the polling place, seeing as many saw it unfair that Brooks was able to vote more than once and they couldn’t. To calm the restless voters down, local officials took the opportunity to remind everyone about the importance of election laws, hoping to prevent any more “Wyatt-like” situations in the future. Casting a ballot twice is not as commonplace as your Fox News-loving dad would like to think. It’s more common for people to vote three or more times. Wyatt, still blissfully unaware of the concerns, continues to advocate for love, inclusivity, and equality between candidates. Who knows, maybe one day his dream of having two presidents will come true.