Investigative Report: Is Nick Kroll Hot Now?
On Friday night, FSU hosted its annual Pow Wow event to celebrate the University’s many achievements, such as having a breathing football team, the conception of Burt Reynolds and the incredibly cool sweatpant, crop-top combo worn by the Golden Girls. After watching the Acaphiliacs give it the ol’ college try and FSU belly dancers contort their bodies in beautiful, yet horrifying ways, the evening was topped off with Nick Kroll, the creator of Big Mouth who gave a performance that was provocative in ways which left us wondering both “Is he allowed to say that because he’s Jewish?” and “Did the phrase ‘naughty little pun boy’ just soak my panties?” If you were of the handful of people that left Pow Wow wondering whether or not you would let Kroll lick a fruit smoothie off of your [redacted], you are not alone and The Eggplant FSU is here to help you navigate your confusion.
There are a few cases against letting Kroll mouth jokes into your [redacted], the first of which being that he is a male man. That harrowing fact aside, what we can’t ignore is the 30% chance that Kroll’s dirty talk voice overlaps with his Coach Steve voice. Do you really want DJ Pendejo whispering, “Oh uh wow, I didn’t think you would be into something like that. Maybe we should just stop here?” into your ears? That’s how dirty talk usually goes, right? Anyways, Kroll also stated that if he had to have intercourse with a dog, he would definitely choose a beagle. This was an absolutely disgusting statement, as any rational person would agree that the most fuckable dog breed is the Alaskan Malamute.
Yet, despite these strikes against Kroll, the pussy wants what the pussy wants, and this pussy wants anything that’s been within seven feet of Jenny Slate. The comedian also wore a neon yellow rain jacket and garnet pants for his set in a precious attempt to match our school colors. Of course, the only people at our school that ever match our colors correctly are the Garnet and Gold Guys, who clearly suffered a series of glitter-related childhood traumas. Kroll’s outfit was a sweet, yet misinformed gesture that reminded me a lot of my dad. The only difference is that my dad would have come on stage asking if I’ve received any job offers yet. Oh, and I’m not sexually attracted to my dad.
Therefore, after carefully dissecting the ample evidence, The Eggplant FSU has come to the potentially polarizing conclusion that Nick Kroll is a zaddy and I want him to [redacted] my [redacted] while I howl like a [redacted]. For those of you who left Pow Wow questioning your sexual attraction toward Kroll, you may never again know peace. But at the very least, you no longer have to feel alone when you [redacted] your [redacted] to the cover picture of this article.