UF Trains New Ball Boy to One Up Red Lightning This Season

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After an embarrassing season last year, UF has finally taken down the Tebow shrines and accepted that 2008 was a long time ago and football just might not be its thing anymore. Instead, this season the team will be focusing all of its efforts into what it’s calling “the real competition:” ball boys.

All summer, University of Florida’s head coach Will Muschamp has been cutting practices short to audition dozens of ball boy potentials in the hopes of finding one worthy of exceeding the fame and prestige of FSU’s Red Lightning. “Here in Gainesville we really need an ego-boost these days.” Says Muschamp as he eagerly checks his text messages, still having received no reply to his 14th consecutive text to Ryan Locte. “After last season’s record, Tebow’s failure in Pro Football, and that Lorde parody bullshit, it’s been a pretty sad time in the swamp.”

The auditioning process has been long and gruesome, but finally Muschamp has found a ball boy to take the completion by literal storm. Purple Rain, an ex-FSU circus star alienated by circus mom politics, is just what UF needs to not be completely ignored by the media this season. Purple Rain gets his name from his striking purple locks and storm-like ball boy dance moves, and NOT from being Prince’s number one fan. “But just so you know I TOTALLY do worship him,” Says Purple Rain as he artfully makes it rain purple Gatorade on Coach Muschamp and leaps across the field while cradling a matching Furbie. “Hehe scandalous. Football loves me!”

When asked to comment on his new competition, Red Lightning erupted in laughter before dashing off like a majestic, bearded sonic the hedgehog. But in his wake was an audible scream. “Tell that rain boy the REAL storm is coming. And he better brace himself for some lightning. RED LIGHTNING.”

Breaking Down the Candidates for FSU’s Next President

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This summer has been a busy one for the people of Florida State University. In between pretending to care about soccer and trying to keep Jameis Winston away from Publix, the university has also been tasked with trying to find a new president. Unfortunately, the search so far has been nationally regarded as a giant clusterfuck, with multiple media outlets and faculty members calling the search a “sham”. So, in order to help you understand the process, we have put together a list of the top candidates being considered for the job along with their chances of being hired:

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A First Person Account of a Night at White Trash Wednesday

 

 2:15 PM: Receive text from that one hit or miss friend reading “LETS GET TRASHY TONIGHT Y’ALL” 

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Incoming Freshman Hopes 36-Pack of Condoms Will Be Enough to Last Through the First Week

        Recent high school grad Colby Jones has spent all summer preparing for his new life at FSU. He bought the latest Florida Georgia Line album, signed a few petitions against the new logo, and spent weeks on FSUacb memorizing the tiers of every fraternity and sorority. But there’s one thing he’s still worried about: will his 36-pack of condoms be enough?

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4th of July Canceled after USA World Cup Elimination

This morning, President Obama announced that in lieu of the United States’ embarrassing World Cup elimination, the 4th of July is now canceled. “When one American fucks up, we all suffer. I’m looking at you Dempsey” said Obama to a somber crowd gathered outside the White House. 

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Tour Group Disappointed to Not Even See One Shooting on Campus Today

 

A group of prospective students and their parents left Florida State University this afternoon extremely upset after walking around campus for three hours without seeing any shootings or police chases.  “I mean what’s the point of coming all the way to Tallahassee if I don’t even get to hear one gun go off” said high school senior Jake Phillips.  

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THANK YOU FOR A GREAT FIRST SEMESTER!!!

Thank you so much to all of our followers! This has been our first semester in existence and it’s gone better than any of us could have ever anticipated. 

We won’t be posting nearly as much over the summer but don’t worry because once fall semester starts we’ll be back and better than ever.

We’ll also be recruiting a lot of people in the fall so if you’re interested in being a part of our team stay tuned for updates about that. 

Thanks again for helping us make this a real thing!!!!!!

xoxo love u 5ever, 

~Eggplant Staff~

FSU Students Shame Publix For Lying About Jameis Winston’s Alleged Shoplifting

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Beloved FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston was cited by the TPD for allegedly stealing crab legs this past Tuesday. Winston claims the act was consensual between him and Publix.  

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Local Badass Refuses to Change Blackboard Password

            Florida State University students have been in a frenzy this week after the university issued a mandatory password change for every student and faculty member in response to a potential security breach. The new password is required to be at least 7 characters long and can’t be any word from the dictionary or one of Jameis Winston’s post game speeches. But one student, sophomore Nate Holmes, is refusing to cave in.

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UF Student Proves Gatorade is the Only Thing the School has Left to Brag About

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A video released today by UF’s most musically and artistically talented students proves that due to the university’s recent lack of success in pretty much everything, Gator fans have to look back fifty years to the invention of Gatorade to find anything worth bragging about.   

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