Delta Vows To Make Plane Crashes More Fun By Encouraging Passenger-Wide ‘Weeeee’

With plane crashes seeming to endlessly circulating the news, it was only a matter of time before airlines began to pull out all the PR stops. The frequent crashes (or, as they are known in the industry, “non-runway, non-wheel landings”) have been doing unspeakable damage to the commercial airline business. Only three months into the year, the creative minds at leading airline Delta wasted no time in drumming up a new and innovative approach. “It goes without saying, but we legally cannot promote the notion that our flights are safe anymore,” heavily media-trained Delta spokesman Mr. Avi Ation said. “What they can promote, however, is an enjoyable crash experience, should the opportunity present itself.”

The airline has chosen to flip the narrative completely. They are leaning into the fearful, anxiety-inducing stories news outlets selfishly report with a new catchphrase: “You Never Know What You’re Gonna Get!” Where will you end up after boarding your flight to New Mexico? The middle of the Pacific Ocean? New Mexico? Dead? What if you didn’t have to go to Six Flags anymore? What if there was no need to buy a ticket to go skydiving or bungee jumping? What if you could get that experience from the comfort of  seat 13C that doubles as a floatation device? This excitement of the unknown is all a part of the new Delta Promise®. Richard Cannon, a state representative out of Iowa, has called the move “the most cost-efficient safety measure since taking shoes off at TSA.” Who knew cutting corners and making people console themselves would be so profitable!

At the core of the new approach to flight safety in the event of total engine failure is Delta’s state-of-the-art “social sound engineering”; that is, all Delta employees will now find their seats, throw their hands in the air, and utilize expressions like “Weeeee!” or, “Hip hip hooray!” as the plane descends, effectively eliminating any anxiety that could be caused by this event. In addition, newly minted “Corporate Crash Playlists” will play over the loudspeakers and liquor will become freely available to all patrons of-age. While physical safety will no longer be prioritized in future Delta crashes, your tiny little screen that plays movies is going to be really fucking sweet.  Politicians and CEOs from around the country are championing Delta’s new strategy, now affectionately referred to as the “Berghain Method.” Though the new rule hasn’t yet been practiced in a real flight, a test run has been performed with a group of lucky passengers. “I know what I’m signing up for,” an anonymous passenger said, the day before the test crash. “I’m not not looking forward to it, I guess.”

So, as soon as that Boeing nose dives and cabin pressure drops, expect strobe lights to start flashing and shots to be poured as Ed Sheeran’s “Shivers” vibrates your bones. Expect the flight crew, all smiles, to scream in delight, not fear.