City of Tallahassee Calls Meeting for “Fried Chicken Reform”: A Vote to Limit the Opening of New Establishments in an Oversaturated Market

In a press release earlier this week, city officials insisted that Tallahassee’s fried chicken market is on the brink of collapse, with an alarming 83 chicken restaurants currently packed in a 10-mile radius. The proposed law, which aims to cap the opening of new chicken establishments, has sparked heated debates among residents and business owners alike. The situation has now put a spotlight on the city’s obsession with fried chicken and the challenges of managing its rapid growth. 

Supporters of the legislation argue that the market has become oversaturated, leading to an unhealthy level of competition. “Just look at Tennessee Street,” remarked Tallahassee native Daryl Strawberry in disgust at the condition of his once beautiful hometown. Strawberry fondly remembers the days when fried chicken wasn’t a competitive sport. “We’ve got two Chick-fil-As directly across from each other, owned by the same guy, mind you. Guthrie’s… which was good and fine until Raising Canes moved in right next door. We had Chubby’s…” he trailed off, tearily as he looked down. Chubby’s Chicken Fingers, a longtime local favorite, has become another casualty in the war. “Some say it was the Popeye’s down the street that did them in. Others say it was just the pressure of the ‘Big T’. Something needs to be resolved,” he concluded without clarifying why he called Tallahassee that. Church’s, Zaxby’s, Slim Chickens, and Huey Magoo’s are just a few others that crowd the city, contributing to the issue at hand. While some are fed up with Tallahassee’s lack of diversity in dining, others believe the free market should continue to flourish.

Leading the charge against the ban is Chuck Drippings, a local franchisee who owns six different chicken restaurants throughout Leon County. As the discussion heated up, Drippings stormed out of the meeting in a fit of oily rage over the potential restrictions and how they may impact his profit margins. “This is an attack on small businesses,” he shouted, working up a grease-filled sweat. “The people of Tallahassee have the right to choose between 15 different types of chicken tenders and 15 types of sauces. I’m pretty sure that’s implied in the First Amendment. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to live here,” he cawed in an oddly similar way to a bird. “You think Popeyes and Cane’s forced Chubby’s out of business? I hate to break it to you buddy, but Chubby’s just couldn’t cut it. Seems like old-fashioned natural selection to me!”, he proclaimed, waving his stubby hands in the air. While Drippings’ outburst and stubby finger wagging was entertaining, it reinforced how strongly people feel about the future of Tallahassee’s fried chicken scene.

Whatever the motivation, the upcoming vote has the community on edge. The city may soon have to choose between embracing the growing crisis or staging a government intervention. As the discussion continues, one thing is certain: the war is far from over. How much fried chicken is too much fried chicken? Are you really what you eat? Because mama didn’t raise a chicken.