President Thrasher Answers Pleas for Parking With Thrasher Parking Tower of Terror

One of the qualms that buff nerds and athletes who listen to jazz alike all share about Florida State’s campus is the lack of parking. But fear not, our supreme leader Johnny “Diamond John” Thrasher has granted us reprieve! On Tuesday, President Thrasher announced that he will be diverting funds from those “weird hipsters at that Downunder place with the thing in their nose” to erect a twenty-story Woodward Garage-style parking masterpiece he insists on calling the “Thrasher Parking Tower of Terror.” “This was the easiest move of my political career,” said Thrasher, struggling to alternate between laughing maniacally, throwing his head backwards and pressing the tips of his fingers together, Montgomery Burns-style. “All these kids really want is parking. They don’t care about eating prison food or having to learn about biology in the same room as over a thousand other awkward, horny freshman. Just give them a garage and that unclean, sinful actor-man from Spring Breakers and they’ll be content.”

Although many are praising President Thrasher’s reallocation of funds to address parking needs, others are a bit concerned. “What bothers me is that it’s like Woodward, so everything is circular. It would take like, a half hour to drive up and down those twenty stories. I’m a grad student, I don’t have that kind of time!” said grad student Chris Rowand, who does, in fact, have that kind of time. “Besides, what about the ‘Tower of Terror’ part?”

But Diamond John isn’t concerned about Rowand’s worries; in fact, the terror element of the garage is Thrasher’s favorite part. “Ah yes, the terror aspect. What the students don’t know yet is that once they get to the top floor, there’s no way to return to the bottom, and then the campus squirrels will descend upon the vulnerable students, stripping them of their Chick-Fil-A food items and any remaining feelings of hope or future success,” continued Thrasher, throwing darts at a board on his wall depicting the face of former FSU president Eric Barron. “This entire process will serve as an excellent distraction from my name potentially appearing in those ‘Panama Papers!’”