Heroic Fraternity Announces New Philanthropy Event to Serve Liquor to Women Who Need It Most

Following the limited reinstatement of the recruitment process and philanthropic events for Greek organizations on campus, many members are readjusting to the reality that part of Thrasher’s new normal includes toning down the partying and toning up the philanthropy, as well as nose-breathing and being polite to strangers. However, some fraternity members have already cooked up a plan to circumvent the new regulations: billing parties as philanthropy events providing alcoholic drinks to thirsty women as part of fraternity life’s efforts to show that acts of selflessness were really in the hearts of these young men all along.

“Once we heard that Thrasher gave us back the two mechanisms we claim to have desired most - recruiting more pledges and engaging in philanthropy - we realized that we had to put our money where our mouth is and pretend like charitable events are the real forces behind getting involved in social Greek life,” said frat superstar Joe Morgenson, as he poured overproof rum down one of those weird ice luges into the mouths of several women who all shared the same look of disgust yet acceptance on their faces. “But with a simple redefining of ‘philanthropy’ to provide over-poured vodka tonics to our sorority counterparts who have gone without being drunkenly mansplained at for nearly three months, we’re excited to hit the reset button on this vicious cycle of debauchery faster than we ever could have hoped.”

Naturally, President John Thrasher is thrilled with the fraternity brothers newfound commitment to bettering their community. “At first I was skeptical that Greek culture could undergo a complete reform so quickly, but I’m thrilled at the progress they’ve all made,” said President Thrasher as he strained to take vertically-oriented pictures on his iPhone 4 of fraternity members having fun to send them to FSU’s top donors, who hazing experts warned might have become incredibly stingy in the coming months if the ban continued. “I’ve been watching these kids donate all these drinks and shots to women for nearly eight hours while trying to get the perfect candid photo to exemplify the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life’s ‘Moving Forward Together’ plan. Just two more hours and they’ve completed their philanthropy for the semester!”

Not all fraternity members are adjusting so easily to the new rules; however, while some struggle with maintaining the minimum 2.5 GPA in their general business classes, others find the most difficulty in trying to empathize with the students who can’t afford to pay thousands of dollars a semester for the right to be a snot-nosed smart ass when the professor jokes about where you’ve been all semester, and politely reminds you of the no technology rule. Regardless of the struggle faced by the majority of Greek students to find a social life absent of bought and paid for “events,” a small faction of members everywhere silently rejoice knowing that, for a least a little bit, they can just focus on publicly patting themselves on the back for the $300 their parents donated to their DM account.