Recess Pool Actually Ponce De Leon’s Fountain of Youth

It's pretty obvious that FSU CollegeTown™ nightlife is waaayyy different and better and cooler than any other Collegetown™ nightlife… but did you know ours is also eternal? Well, Juan Ponce de Leon did! As it turns out, Recess’s famously lavish swimming pool is actually the Fountain of Youth, not just a centerpiece for Instagram stories to make your high school friends jealous. This explorer is still alive, running the town’s most successful nightclub and still “pullin’ biddies.” Careful, though! He’s quick to tell you that meant a little something different in his day. For only ten bucks, a three-hour banding wait and a downgrade on your self-esteem, you, too, can be splashing around in these wet, hot waters of youth.  

“That explains why all of their employees look as if they stepped right out of a 2010 Abercrombie catalog and why no blacked-out Zeta has ever died from falling down those stairs,” exclaimed sophomore Ashley Vaughn before testing out her newfound immortality by shot-gunning a Y-Bomb right next to the undercover with an underaged band on. “Yeah, there’s no way this isn’t the Fountain of Youth. If I can down a drink that's 80% vodka, 15% water and 5% unidentified substance that could maybe be lime, sing the main chorus to Hollaback Girl and dance topless on the bar as I threaten to filibuster, then my dip in the pool has restored my youth!”

“Hate to break it to you but your family field trip to that St. Augustine Fountain of Youth tourist trap was a sham. Your mother was just having a mid-life crisis,” says Recess club owner and historic conquistador Juan Ponce de Leon, taking a hearty swing of pool water per his Apple Watch beeping incessant reminders at his 500-year-old brain - lest his 500-year-old body finally dissipates into a cloud of dust. “I found the real thing here in Tallanasty in the 1550s. Times have really changed. We just started allowing women to enter about fifty years ago--but no uggos. They’re all grateful as hell, though. Anyone else finally realized the whole ‘Leon’ county thing? Like me? Like Ponce de ‘Leon?’”

Times may have changed, but it looks as if the Recess pool is here to stay for all eternity. For a college town that places first on every “Wildest Party School” list, we’re sure we need Ponce’s powers to entertain this college bullshit forever.