Strozier Starbucks Now Hiring Employees Just to Stand Around
It’s midterm season and everyone is looking for their next sweet caffeine high like freaking fiends. Fortunately, there’s a newly renovated Starbucks in Strozier library, so all there is to do is hop in line and wait somewhere between five minutes and three hours for a watered-down Mango Dragonfruit Refresher. Unfortunately, with it being such a busy time of year, this location has been crazy understaffed leaving very few people to microwave turkey wraps and week-old chocolate croissants. To remedy this issue, Strozier Starbucks is now hiring anyone with a pulse to help them in the “employees-just-standing-around” department.
“We’ve just been really swamped lately, so we needed more warm bodies back there to keep up that illusion of productivity. Everyone wants a drink right away, but no one takes into account that the best part of coming to Starbucks is waiting in that really cramped corner by the stirrers and sugar packets,” said general manager Roger Sterling while playing the “Cup Song” from “Pitch Perfect” with all the unmade drink cups piled up at the front counter. “Normally, I mark these bad boys up and then just let the winds of fate take their chance with them as far as drinks actually getting made. That’s why we’re hiring!”
“I don’t understand their business model. There are fourteen people behind the counter just marking things on clipboards, training other employees for some reason, rearranging the cake pops and straight-up standing - that’s a fire hazard!,” said Pete Campbell, who is now 45-minutes late to class and not nearly as caffeinated as his poor body needs him to be, but still a little turned on from the sheer anger of watching people stare into space instead of doing literally anything else. “They just take turns using the whipped cream canister one shake at a time. It’s like - my tall strawberry frappuccino isn’t going to blend itself!”
The search for a job where the whole point is to just stand, staring blankly is finally over. Check out the listing on Nole Central, Handshake or just wander behind the counter wearing a green visor until someone eventually notices it should be a black baseball cap. Strap on some orthopedic sneakers and get ready for a long, full day of miming what it looks like to be semi-making coffee and pretending to know what a ‘misto’ is. Unless you’re Kathryn. You’re doing an amazing job, Kathryn.