HCB Cat Receives Tenure
Tenure: the Supreme Court nomination of academia, a lifetime award of tax dollars, a trial run for giving UBI to people whose jobs don’t practically contribute to society. It’s an honor given to those making breakthroughs in cancer research and those publishing 20-page papers on the ethics of slip-n-slides alike. Now, FSU is wasting your tuition dollars in the cutest way possible by awarding tenure to Dr. Sessule, a tad bit gabby tabby cat who’s been lecturing on the ethics of lizard consumption outside HCB for 6 years.
“We’re very excited to write checks to someone indefinitely,” said Marshal Humplocker, a payroll clerk at FSU. “And especially to someone who contributes so much to our campus. You know when we’re exploiting 20-year-olds to pay us thousands of dollars just so they can have a chance at a decent job, they forget that those thousands of dollars pay for people and causes just as important to their education as Dr. Sessule.” Asked about what prompted the University to award Dr. Sessule, Humplocker said “Well, budget proposals are soon so we needed to find every excuse to ask for more money. Dr. Sessule is really cute so he’s been on our radar for tenure for a while and we figured it just made sense to do it now!”
Not everyone is happy without Dr. Sessule’s reward. Some students are claiming the university may be giving tenure to a more problematic figure than they thought. “He doesn’t respect personal space,” said Sherwin Holiday, a student at FSU. “You can’t study remotely near HCB without him invading your personal business and rubbing his whiskers on you. Like, if I did that do you know what would happen to me? If you’re not careful he’ll even steal your food! Like who does that and gets away with it?” After reminding him that Dr. Sessule is, in fact, a cat, he went on to say, “The thing is, that wasn’t even the worst of it. You should see what he’s saying about Kanye on Twitter.”
When asked to reply to these allegations of inappropriate conduct, Dr. Sessule sniffed the microphone and stared expectantly. Dr. Sessule is hosting a celebration, coordinated by Mrs. Killings, outside HCB this upcoming Saturday. The Dr. asks that residents bring their own Purina as he will be providing the alcohol himself. Some are pointing out that serving alcohol on campus, while really really cool, could be considered illegal and reflect poorly on the Dr. In response to criticism, Sessule is reported to have said, “What are they going to do? Arrest me? I’m a cat on tenure!”