FSU Football to Install 24K Toilets in Training Facilities

There is something so sinister about that FSU Football locker room hype video. They went 5-7 and were rewarded with a Great Value Star Trek Enterprise-esque makeover while one of the only two carousels at Strozier Library is very much still broken…even after two semesters. We are no economists, but seeing as half of the buildings are falling apart or still need to be tested for cancerous levels of radon, it seems funds could have been better utilized elsewhere.

“Seminole Boosters gave us more money than we can ever spend. Like, we could have totally given our players actual money so they are paid athletes, but what's the fun in that? What we need are 24K gold toilets, ASAP. We may be shit, but we shit like royalty here,” said Director of Marketing and Unnecessary Auxiliary Expenses, Daniel Crawford. “We thought we would receive at least some pushback but they actually are replacing all of the toilets with solid gold. No questions asked. They also asked us if we wanted another training facility but this time with wall-to-wall screens to watch every excruciating loss we have ever suffered. We obviously said hell yeah and double the order.” On another note, the newest addition to the concession stands during the Fall season will be bottles of Jordan Travis’s hopes and fears.

“I don’t really see the problem with neglecting Oglesby Union. At this point, the Class of 2022 has never seen a union, might as well prolong it so the Class of 2023 won’t either. We are kind of thankful the pandemic hit when it did because we ran out of excuses. We actually just transferred some funds to FSU football for auxiliary funds. Something about using real benjamins as toilet paper,” said Herbert Smith, the Director of Student Activities, Engagement, and Union Bullshit. “The art of it all is to distract the students with free t-shirts and comedy shows to make sure they don’t recognize that they aren’t getting their money’s worth here. Speaking of, did you see that Club Downunder is teaming up with the circus?”

FSU football is yet again getting new cool snazzy stuff while the rest of us get storage room backwash and it feels like getting bitch slapped by Will Smith on National TV. It’s almost laughable where the priorities lie within this administration if it weren’t so bleak for us plebs. Hey, at least now they can feel like Squidward in that one existential crisis episode after their next blowout loss to a mid-tier FBS school. Go Noles!