FSU Drops All Previous Admissions Requirements and Replaces With One Attempt at Swiping Into Strozier

In an age of college admissions scandals and decisions that seem as if they are mailed out at random, FSU comes up with a revolutionary new method of accepting students. Dubbed, “The Strozier Swipe”, this method gives students one chance at swiping into Strozier-- if they swipe in on their first try, they’re admitted on the spot. If they fail, they’re immediately thrown into the bowels of Strozier.

FSU has been criticized in the past for having admissions that were far too “lax,” quoted from multiple UF (pace) students. But this new system has made getting accepted a LOT harder. Unpaid Strozier intern Ryan Smith was asked to provide a breakdown of the percentage of students who get in on their first swipe. The results are shocking, “I have been collecting data for years-- wait you think we just sit at that desk and watch you struggle for fun?! Our studies have found that 1 in 200 students enter successfully on their first swipe,” The interview was cut short as Ryan was forced to help dispose of all the unsuccessful swipers that were blockading the entrance to Strozier. Nobody knows exactly where they go. Some say they are forced to eat at the on-campus Denny’s for two meals straight, others have reported that the circus suddenly has hundreds of new performers and some rumor that they were never seen again.

While most can not stop calling their parents and trying not to cry as they explain the new system, many members of the admissions board are ecstatic. “I cannot reveal any of our ritualistic methods, but this is about to make my job a whole lot easier” states an anonymous board member who quickly fled the scene of the interview while looking over their shoulder and stuffing a Magic 8 Ball in their purse. Some people are claiming this revolutionary idea is a chance at “redemption” for those unfortunate souls that didn’t make it into FSU under the traditional admissions process. We then interviewed one of the lucky few who earned automatic admission into FSU to see how they were feeling, “Yeah, I got into UF after being wait-listed at FSU. I had to give it another shot when I heard about the Strozier Swipe. Guess I’ll be putting my transfer in, GO NOLES!!!” He then Facetimed his (ugly) UF roommate and started shouting the War Chant. We love the enthusiasm… but at what cost. 

It seems the swamp rats Gators, who have struggled under our previous academic requirements, now finally have a chance at getting into our prestigious university! If you or someone you love was rejected from Florida State in the past, let them know that it’s not too late to try again! And as FSU is trying to trademark, may the swipe be ever in your favor.