Breaking: 5th Floor of Strozier Turns Into War Zone After 1 Rogue FaceTime Call

At 8:30 PM last night, the relatively semi-studious atmosphere of Strozier Library’s quiet study section was shattered into pieces. What started as a singular FaceTime call caused the 5th floor to escalate into something comparable to a WWIII preview. It all began when Chad Chadley, a sophomore finance major with a douche bag minor, answered a video call from his  “roommate” Brad Bradley. Unaware of the sacredness of silent suffering that is Robert Manning Strozier Library, Chad answered the soon-to-be regretted FaceTime.

Tensions grew as Chad and Brad unfolded into a boisterous speakerphone debate on whether they should get Chick-fil-A or pizza for dinner. While Brad was performing a dramatic monologue on the optics of Papa John’s pepperoni distribution through the phone, the whispers started. Suddenly, the once peaceful environment rapidly deteriorated. An unidentified individual began the domino effect of unruly shushing that was, frankly, louder than the FaceTime conversation itself. Before you knew it, the entire floor of sleep-deprived, over-caffeinated students was harmonizing in an orchestra of “shut up” and “take it outside.” But disaster didn’t truly strike until self-proclaimed people-pleaser, Becky Beckyson, decided it was her time to shine. Witnesses reported that she triumphantly stood upon the table and began to recite an unprompted and deeply unwanted lecture on the importance of respecting people’s space. We at The Eggplant had the immense displeasure of asking Becky why the hell she would do something like that. “I’m what they call an empath. I just care way too much about other people, and no one else was going to say something, so I just knew I had to speak up for the good of the people,” sniffled Becky, as she teared up from passionate self-satisfaction. 

Thanks to Chad and Becky, all hope was lost as this previously silent study zone became a free-for-all. Insults flung about, computers slammed passive-aggressively, and cups of coffee were swung onto the floor. We were even able to get some of this inside information from an anonymous witness, who goes by the pseudonym of John Doe-ScaredyCat. When asked about the harrowing events, he said, “You don’t get it, bro. You’ll never get it. I was scared for my life, I didn’t know if I’d make it out alive. I even had to call my Mom. Shit got real.” Shit did in fact get real. Moreso in a literal sense, as I could smell the brown coming from Mr. Scaredy Cat’s pants.

While the rest of FSU’s students will never understand the traumatic events that took place last night, they’ll always be able to send their thoughts and prayers to those impacted by the War of the 5th Floor of Strozier. #ThoughtsAndPrayers. As for the library itself, what was formerly a silent study zone has now been declared a “no-phone zone” until further notice. And as for Chad Chadley, well, let’s just say he’s sworn off pizza for the foreseeable future.