Path of Totality Whom? An Op Ed by a Guy Who Now Hates Clouds

Wow, that sucked. Those dumb maps and diagrams all the moms I’m friends with on Facebook kept sharing seemed to imply that if you weren’t on the path of totality, you were a fake fan, so naturally I paid $414.36 for an Uber from Tallahassee to Charleston, SC to get a glimpse at that sweet sweet corona. Unfortunately, I set my drop off location about an hour west and my entire view was blocked by clouds. Years of anticipation and all we got was momentary shade?

With all the hype, it seemed like it would be worth it to ride shotgun in Dave the Uber driver’s 1993 Mazda Miata for five hours in complete silence after plowing through my go to Uber conversation topics in the first twenty minutes. Like seriously, NASA and all you nerds on Twitter have been bustin’ y’all’s nuts about this for months. Is it too much to ask for something cool to happen? I was expecting dragons to shoot from the sky, or demons to break from the loam and devour all life, or at least a new member to be welcomed to the God Hand! Did any of that happen? Nope! All I could see were clouds. I couldn’t even see it in 4K. I mean, really, what year is it? 2010? If I had wanted to see the sky darken a little and get cloudy in the afternoon, I would have stayed in Tallahassee, stared longingly out the window and drifted into an afternoon depression nap like I do every other Monday!

So there I am, out almost a month’s rent and definitely no money to continue my Tinder Plus subscription, in dorky, overpriced 3D glasses, Apocalypse-less and, worst of all, in South Carolina. As I looked around to see the off-brand Republicans commenting on how rad the astronomical phenomenon was as they got in their 10-ton monster trucks with “Global Warming is a Socialist Scam” bumper stickers, I knew I had to get out of there.

I cannot express my deep disappointment and, frankly, outrage toward both the scientific community and all the punks who jumped on the hype train. I give this eclipse a -5/10, would not subject myself to the social discomfort of ride-sharing for almost five hours to see again. Honestly, the book was better.