As Covenant Shutdown Ends, Federal Face-Melting Program Resumes

With the Senate voting to reopen the government tomorrow, the impact of political dysfunction is still visible across federal services. America’s national parks are unstaffed, leaving geese in a holding pattern awaiting authorization to land; two million civil servants have been furloughed, leading to at least two disappointing “shutdown reach-around” parties; and the congressional dry cleaner has closed, leaving Senator Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) with only the outfit that dads are required to wear when buying lumber. Meanwhile, one vital federal agency, the Department of the Covenant, faces staggering setbacks.

“This was a real nuisance for us,” remarked Dr. Indiana Jones while running with an ancient scepter, pursued by four dozen angry tribesmen and an archaeological ethics panel. “With the Ark of the Covenant closed for three days, we might miss our face-melting productivity target this quarter,” he said, referring to the magical, Nazi-killing chest containing the Ten Commandments in the documentary “Raiders of the Lost Ark”. “This is just the latest example of the administration promoting fascism. I’m appalled to think that Mike Pence was once the governor of my first name.”

As thousands of Nazis went unmelted over the weekend, the Trump Administration appeared unbothered, as they collectively played “No, you hang up first.” Losing the Covenant is chief among reasons why a prolonged federal shutdown has proven devastating. Once again, furloughed workers were forced to endure the consequences of unreasonable politicians, while collegiate interns didn’t really give a shit since it’s not like they get paid anyway. The shutdown also meant that, for the first time ever, archaeology majors were without work.

“Listen, we had more important things to worry about than some smoldering, hot-shot archaeologist whining about the Covenant being closed,” sneered presidential advisor Stephen Miller, as he carefully approached a podium to replace the spineless, crystallized skull of Paul Ryan with an equally heavy bag of pebbles. “As President Trump stated, there are good Nazis out there. A few days without the Ark wasn’t nearly as difficult as appeasing those hateful Democrats. All they ever want is ‘equality’ and ‘for Republicans to stop being hateful xenophobic racists,’ but it’s really hard! Shutting down the government was the only way to feasibly start negotiating with the Democratic Party. We had no other choice, really.”