Eggplant Horoscopes February 2019

After what felt like the longest month on human record, the 31-day free trial of 2019 has finally come to an end. The new year is officially in full swing, which means you no longer have an excuse for still accidentally writing “18” as part of the date on the top of your assignments. But speaking of dates, we all know that February is the ultimate time to establish yourself as either a lover or a loner. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we here at The Eggplant FSU have once again gathered our highly-trained and definitely-certified squadron of astrologists to provide you with cosmic guidance as you navigate the stars this month.

Aries:

Firecracker Aries, get ready for a new lover to pop a squat in your life this month. As the first sign in the zodiac, it’s no surprise that you love being number one in every endeavor you pursue. However, you must be wary of this, Aries. It’ll come to your detriment when you end up putting your AmEx down first on every date with your new suitor, which will only leave you looking possessive and actually broke.

Taurus:

Taurus, you’re so dependable. You're sure to have a great February with your closest gal pals by your side, especially on Valentine’s Day when it’s your job to bring your moping Gemini friends out of their single-induced comas. You love the finer things in life, but don’t let that spending streak get out of control. No matter how tempted you are to buy matching diamonds for six of your bitches, it’s just not fiscally responsible in today's economy.

Gemini:

Oh Gemini, you’re so tragically misunderstood. People will try to bring you and your hard-working spirit down this month, but don’t lose sight of your goals. Was it smart to sign up to lead discussion in three different classes all during the same week? Probably not. But are you gonna crush every single slide of that “History of the Boy Band” presentation that is also that same week? I mean, Jesus, get a planner, but you most absolutely will.

Cancer:

When trying to picture a Cancer, it’s helpful to imagine a crab retreating into its shell after the first sight of a minor inconvenience. We love you, Cancer, but try not to completely shut down this month when you’re forced to face some demons head-on. It’s not easy being forced to watch your ex mosy around Strozier with his new side piece, but try your best to swallow your pride and the rest of that skinny soy latte. No matter how much it burns, we believe in you.

Leo:

Leo, your passionate spirit is really going to shine this February. Valentine’s Day was made for people like you, but try to be considerate of those who don’t get to bask in romantic or self-loving glory this month. Although you put so much love and thought into everything you do, remember not to get offended when your significant other makes reservations for the two of you at Chili’s as a romantic outing. Accept it as a loving gesture and don’t sleep on those baby back ribs and bottomless margs.

Virgo:

Virgo, every decision you make is done with great precision and calculation, but don’t let that stop you from acting spontaneously every now and then. If a former flame tries to contact you this month, hear ‘em out. Things may have not worked out the first time, but you’ve both matured and certainly outgrown the linen pants and Espadrilles that marked every single date outfit during your relationship –  and thank God for that.  

Libra:

You selfless fool, little Libra. There’s nothing you love more than making sure your friends have the time of their lives. Yet, at the same time, you’ve got to draw the line when you’ve picked up the 8th tequila shot at Cancun’s because everyone “forgot” their wallets. What we’re saying is, everyone is trash, and it’s time to focus on YOU. Draw yourself a bubble bath, buy one of those mini cheesecakes from Lucky’s and maybe think about turning in a reading quiz before 11:57 p.m. one of these days.

Scorpio:

Scorpio, girl, just stop. The weather may be getting colder, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow. Reach out and make that apology. And yes, I know she’s a bitch and deserves it, but we all know you’re the better person anyway. Also, your right brake light is out. Get that shit fixed before you get a ticket.

Sagittarius:

Sagittarius, hold the phone because this is your semester. This month is going to be all about trying new things, and it’s going to scare some of those around you – particularly the target of your first major crime. But, keep your chin up, Sagittarius, because ultimately your skills, creativity and massive commitment issues will shine through. It’s up to you to choose if it’ll be through your first major bank heist or doing some graphic design freelancing for a local non-profit organization that only pays you in M&M's. Just make sure to actually follow through on one of these! Just one, honey.  

Capricorn:

Capricorn, it’s time to cut the shit and calm the fuck down. We all know you have an amazing internship lined up for this summer, but that doesn’t mean it has to become your personality. No one is even sure if it’s even physically possible for you to really and truly mess up, but that doesn’t mean you can’t stay humble. And also, just once, please don’t volunteer to answer every question asked in class.

Aquarius:

Listen, Aquarius, we get it – you’ve been going through it. But you’re amazing, and it’s time that you know it. So there’s no reason for "totally calling" what wins what at the Oscars for the last five years to be at the top of the “Awards and Accomplishments” section of your resume. Wait, actually, how the fuck did you do that? Should you be writing these horoscopes?

Pisces:

The new year has been stressful with everything going on in your life, Pisces, and it’s probably not going to get much better tbh. But rest assured that all this attention you’ve been getting is just because people can see the star shining within you. And speaking of stars, specifically, the ones being born, please stop watching all those videos of Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga performing “Shallow” live. You cry enough as it is.