"Valentine’s Day Was Created by Hallmark to Sell Cards,” Notes Your Deadbeat Boyfriend

It’s V-Day once again, and while hearts and chocolate boxes are overflowing, the pea-sized brains of every man who ruined your Intro to Philosophy class by playing devil's advocate are fired up at this corporate sham of a holiday. Millions of supportive friends are hoping that lectures, such as how Big Pharma injects love hormones into those heart-shaped Reese’s or how the novelty teddy bear is a real species of bear, will finally make girlfriends call it quits with the men who have never been good enough for them. According to members of the Valen-CRIME Facebook conspiracy page, the NSA has bugged every single bushel of red roses this Valentine’s Day in order to infiltrate our hearts and minds, so you should really be thanking your boyfriend for being a massive let down.

“I’m on the second year of my Ph.D. in Marketing, but apparently I’m part of the sheeple who can’t see how the economy is manipulating us,” noted a Margot Pease, who apparently lost all of her critical thinking skills upon encountering any attractive full-time Zumiez employee and part-time drug dealer. “Literally all I asked for was a nice, home-cooked meal. Instead, all I got was boiled hot dogs mixed with baked beans. After I drank enough of the Miller Lite, which was of course paired with the meal, to make me forget I was eating mystery meat, he started asking me if I wanted another sausage in my mouth,” said an exasperated Pease, pulling several strands of hair and absolutely no clothes off her body. “Goddammit, my mom was right!”  

“As a survivor of the Fyre Festival and a loser of half my extensive trust fund due to my failed craft brewery, I have zero faith left in anything. Valentine’s Day is a scam to sell Hallmark cards in the exact way the Church of Christianity is a scam to sell the Bible,” argued overall failure and boyfriend Derek Marshall, who considers watching Rick & Morty through a haze of milky bong clouds the epitome of date night. “Valentine's Day simply gives an excuse for the government to track our relationships. And don’t even get me started on the feminists and their sexist Galentine’s Day parties! You expect men to cook, clean and do normal human adult activities for themselves EVERY February 13th? That’s why I’m starting the 'Meninist Movement Part 2: The He-quel.'"

Whether you are in a relationship with someone that believes Valentine’s Day is a corporate scheme and pink helium balloons are the first sign of the apocalypse, or single with only a bag of Hershey Kisses to spoon during your fifth viewing of To All The Boys I’ve Loved, remember that only your opinion matters on this monstrous day - and you’re also the goddamn big spoon! Of course, the seasonal events do affect consumer purchase patterns, but that’s not a good enough reason to make acting like a dumbass your only personality trait, Derek. So empty that negativity out of your life this Valentine’s Day like you’ll empty the discount candy bin at Walgreens directly into your mouth on February 15th.