400-Page Mueller Report Released, Turns Out to Just Be CVS Receipt

At long last, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on the two-year investigation into potential criminal conspiracy between Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign and the Russian government is out for all to read. Not unlike an order of fries from The Den at literally any time of day, we’ve all been waiting so long for it that we began to doubt it would ever appear. But to the shock and confusion of Democrats, Republicans and generally literate people across the country, the long-awaited 400-page report turned out to be a run-of-the-mill receipt from CVS all along.

“A bunch of these guys in suits came in at like 2 p.m. last Thursday. In hindsight, it was the day before the summary of the Mueller report was supposed to be released, but I thought the government was finally getting busting me for stealing bottles of laundry detergent during my breaks,” recalled CVS cashier Taylor Santos as she straightened the Tostitos in the chip aisle. “I didn’t really ask any questions. They seemed like they were in a rush, but the main guy, who I guess was Mueller, somehow fucked up using the self checkout on his six bottles of 5-Hour Energy. I had to go over and help, so I tried to make some light conversation. I asked if he had a long night ahead and he looked at me with the fear of God and the nation in his eyes. The machine implored that he not forget to ‘grab your receipt.’ He didn’t forget.”

“So I’m not gonna lie: I don’t really know what to make of this either. But the bottom line is, the libs got what they wanted! They begged for the report and now that it’s here, the clear verdict is NO COLLUSION!” said Kellyanne Conway, counselor and spokesperson for the Trump administration. “I mean the report has two separate coupons for $5 off Gillette razors. Sounds pretty all-American-and-definitely-not-Russian to me. Plus, there was a link at the bottom where you could give feedback on your shopping experience, which is just about as democratic as it gets. Checkmate, Don Lemon.”

With the nation in a frenzy over how to interpret this cryptic document and which party can call dibs on the Ben and Jerry's BOGO discount, the American people may just have to accept that this is the closest we'll ever get to Donald Trump's tax returns. While the collusion debate is yet to be settled, Americans on either side of the aisle can agree on one thing: CVS receipts are just too damn long.