Eggplant Horoscopes April 2019

Not to sound too much like your normie mom on your nightly phone call, but gosh darnit, this year is truly flying the heck by. Our tried and true astrologers at The Eggplant FSU are here to offer you the interstellar guidance needed to take on finals season like the cosmic powerhouse you are. With Miss Mercury Retrograde finally out of the way and no longer able to be blamed for all the problems in your life, here are some horoscopes to help you manufacture those excuses and take on the four tests and six papers you’ll inevitably leave for the last week of the semester, regardless of your zodiac sign if we’re being fucking honest.

Aries:

Happy Birthday, Aries! We can’t think of a better way to start off the Astrological New Year than with your fiery spirit keeping everyone in check. This next month will bring you plenty of fun times with your closest pals, especially when you decide to throw back half a bottle of Jose Cuervo at your birthday bash as your friends dutifully fulfill their assigned roles as hair-holding motivational speakers.

Taurus:

Taurus, the end of this month brings us into your grounded solar cycle. Your finals week will surely be a breeze - as long as you don’t let that lazy streak convince you to toss your three-term thesis paper to the side as you binge-watch How I Met Your Mother for the eighth time. Take time to focus on yourself this month and don’t forget that the universe is abundant, just like your email box. Seriously, check your damn emails!

Gemini:

Twins, April will be a month of rebirth. Just as the flowers and trees begin to bloom, so will your social circle. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, even if auditioning for a one-woman show about the anti-vaxx movement seems like a strange place to start. Trust in the universe and people will seep into your life just like disease infiltrates the immune system of unvaccinated children.

Cancer:

Sweet Cancer, we recommend you hunker down because April is going to be an emotional roller coaster. It’s important not to get too sensitive when people mess with you, especially with April Fools happening at the start of the month. This may be a hard pill to swallow, but just because your friends think it’s funny to swap out your toothpaste with Nair doesn’t mean they hate you. They’re just really awful people and want to see you suffer for the sake of a Snapchat story.

Leo:

All eyes are on you, Leo, just how you like it. April will be a time of self-expression like no other. Don’t hold back when your friends give you an encouraging chant to perform your personal rendition of “If I Were a Rich Man” at a friend’s party. The spotlight loves you, and it’s about time you bask in all of its glory and let your lion spirit roar.

Virgo:

Virgo may mean “virgin,” but your energy this month is anything but. In fact, it's kind of sexy. Your magnetism this April is at an all-time high, with multiple hotties hitting you up constantly. Try not to let this attention get to your head, though. You can be confident without showing off your eight Tinder matches to your roommates every time you’re feeling down about yourself.

Libra:

Buckle up, Libra, because now is the time that shit gets real. After an emotional, dry journey through March, April will be the month of love and relationship building, and no, we don’t mean with your Big in your sorority. Keep extra condoms on hand, because things might get heated at formal with your best friend’s date. It’s okay to be bad every once in a while. Also, you might want to reassess your career path. Business might not be the right move for you and Quizlet doesn’t last forever.

Scorpio:

Scorpio, now is the time to get off your lazy ass and start saving some money! We know you have unhealthy habits like skipping class and cheating on your partner, but let this be your push to get over that hump! You have the ability to change yourself and if you work hard enough and get the fuck off of Twitter, you might accomplish something this month. We’re rooting for you.

Sagittarius:

Oh, Sagi, you friendly little fool. This April is going to be your month! Not only did you slay your part in that clearly student-run production of Les Mis, but also because April will be the time that you truly realize how badass and hot you are! If you're doubting your career path currently, realize that you don’t have to become an accountant like your dad trained you to think. Pull a Troy Bolton and choose music instead!

Capricorn:

You know what they say: Capricorn’s care. In this case, we know that you care too much about what other people think about you. Stop Facetuning your pictures and begin to love yourself completely. Leave your roommates alone about the mess in your apartment, too. Not everyone can fluff the pillows and mop the floors every Sunday night. Let yourself breathe and you too, will feel a weight off your shoulders.

Aquarius:

Hey hey, Aquarius! April is the month where you finally can put your foot down and do what you want to fucking do! When you’re studying with your friends, let them in on the secret of how you pass your Orgo exams. We know you use Adderall! Reflect on your habits and decide if you are finally ready to change your ways. Yes, that means you have to stop crying over that guy you only made out with once. He wasn’t even that good of a kisser!

Pisces:

Hey Pi. We know this month will be a challenge for you because of your unhealthy spending habits. Don’t buy any more girls Y-Bombs at the club! They're just using you! Instead, focus on spending time on yourself. Read a book, go sit on Landis with some friends or even look at yourself in the mirror and remember that you are hot! But also remember that you could be hotter. Don’t get too cocky now. Go to the gym and stop flirting with every woman with a heartbeat.