I Think March Madness is Happening But I’m Not Entirely Sure What That Means

Just in case you needed another reminder that we’re already a quarter of the way through 2019 and are steadily approaching ultimate demise as time continues to escape us, Twitter tells me that March Madness is almost over! If you’re wondering what March Madness is from all of those random brackets appearing everywhere, then don't worry, because so am I. What's interesting, though, is that the NCAA isn't even the same as the NBA. I feel like they should just pick one, you know? All I know that is that it’s a sports thing, and my best guess says it happens every March. However, I’m afraid that if I reach out to my last resort – a straight man – I’ll have to pretend I know what a “three-pointer” is.

After being mansplained for three whole minutes, I learned that some differences between the NBA and the NCAA are the amounts of time on the shot clocks, the distances of three-point shots and the collegiate level playing four 12-minute quarters instead of 20-minute halves. But the biggest difference has to be how they refuse to pay these college athletes, which is not hot at all, if you asked me. My token straight friend could probably play for FSU's little league basketball team if he wanted to, but there's no way he'd do it for free.

I'm guessing that March Madness works kind of like America's Next Top Model since there are eliminations every so often. But if Florida State is getting close to losing, I just hope that Tyra Banks pops up out of nowhere to save us from elimination. To be frank, I don’t know what these players even win at the end (probably not a commercial feature for Rimmel London, I’m assuming) but if they can't get paid, does the school get the prize? Are the teams eliminated via “two of you stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands” speech? Did Jay Manuel put all the players through shocking, dramatic makeovers early on in the season? That would definitely be my favorite part.

All the mystery just makes me wonder if I’m missing out. Is March Madness the dose of athletic thrill I should be walking into every Aries season with? What exactly is a point guard? There are still lots of questions to answer. I’ve got to hand it to the jocks of the world for naming this one, though. March is a pretty mad month, complete with spring break, time being shoved back an hour and an entire day devoted to celebrating leprechauns and chugging green beer. You win this round, sports.