Girl With a Suspiciously Active Venmo Transaction History Claims Social Distancing Has Been "Sooo Hard"

During these uncertain, coronavirus-filled times, the most important safety measure for curtailing absolute disaster is staying at home. Luckily, those self-quarantining who wouldn’t have had plans anyway are now armed with an external enemy to blame. With the virus keeping us all inside and depriving us of fresh content, many have discovered that you can’t scroll through Twitter forever and have become desperate enough to peruse just about any app for the small chance of being able to feel something. A last-ditch look at recent transactions in your feed on Venmo, the app designed to prove to everyone who follows you through emojis and inside-jokes-as-captions that you do, in fact, go places and do things, might reveal that some of your friends are farther from social distancing than they claim to be.

"Ava was just on her finsta whining about being trapped inside without regular access to chocolate frosties," said Hannah Ashford, sophomore and current quaran-teen. "But then I get on Venmo and see her sending Taylor a snowflake emoji at 11 p.m. Sounds like a late night Wendy's run if I've ever seen one. And I wasn't even invited! Whack. And the day before she sent Sabrina the grape emoji; so, what, they're having wine nights now? Clearly Ava isn't honoring the quarantine, and it's putting her own life and the lives of others in danger. But even more important than that, she's putting our friendship at risk. Like, yeah, I'll probably still stay home regardless where everything is free and I don't even need Venmo, but I'd at least like to be invited to tag along and risk the 'rona. It's the principle of the thing."

"It's like, who does she think I am, you know?" said Ava Johnson, accused social dis-regarder and friend (kind of) of Ashford's. "We're all going through the same thing, and it's not a time to pick fights. Sure, I might have stopped by a Wendy's with some friends who weren't her one time. We went through the drive thru! I'm not an idiot. And okay fine, Sabrina and I organized a coronavirus self-care and stress relief wine and paint night also without Hannah the day before that. That's not what's important. I just feel like, as a woman, some things you just can't give up, you know? Like if we're scared of dying from the virus, that doesn't mean we should stop living. If we do that, the virus wins. Think about it."

If you're left with nothing to do with your quaran-time but stare brainlessly at the “Sex and the City” marathon on your TV and reminisce about the days when you, too, got to enjoy both sex and a city, be wise. Instead of going out and risking your life for a 4 for $4, just scroll through enough social apps until you can conjure up accusations to unleash upon your friends, just to stir the pot! They'll probably appreciate the drama.