Facebook-Informed Mother Vs “My Buddy Said” Father: Who Will Win?

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Suburban families across the country have begun adjusting to being locked in a house together with a new expectation that they should actually talk to each other. Due to the inability of asking “how was school,” relaying what the news said half an hour ago is the new way of avoiding talking about each other’s feelings. There is a dissonance that exists between the daughter that thinks hand sanitizer is useless because a Twitter scientist said so, the mother that is loving the idea of using a maxi pad as a DIY mask, and the father that “just thinks everyone is overreacting.” The question many people may be asking is, who will win if everyone is wrong?

Robert Morris, lover of poker nights, C-cup boobs, and Monday night football, watches the news for 12 hours every day but has a unique perspective on the subject. “Look, my buddy Dennis knows some guys that are pretty up there, and he said that this whole thing is going to happen no matter what. I don’t see how closing the golf course is helping anyone,” said Morris between sips of Sam Adams. “I’m watching the news, and it just seems like everyone is going to get it and there’s not much you can do. The way I see it, you might as well just do whatever the fuck you want.” Morris reportedly has not left the couch in 14 days because his wife told him he can’t. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Robert’s wife Kathy Morris, who has spent the majority of the last two weeks washing Amazon boxes with soap and water and giving the family Pomeranian, Brutus, a chemical rash due to her immense Clorox usage. “I have been very cautious and taken the expected measures such as buying three 24-packs of toilet paper and all the flour that was left in the store, just in case I want to get back into baking.” Kathy has reportedly dedicated almost all of her time to rewatching “Desperate Housewives” until she too can go back to being mean to her friends in her glorious suburban utopia. “My cousin’s friend’s husband that works at the CDC isn’t lying, so I’m going to continue to interrupt my daughter’s Zoom calls to give her every update I find because personally, I believe knowledge is power.”

In this new media-driven world, information on the most important subjects is prevalent and often incorrect, but that will not stop bored-out-of-their-mind fathers and over-eager mothers from passive-aggressively brawling it out during taco night. To answer the question of who will win, the answer is the family dog. Because, at this time in history, he’s the only one who won’t have his lungs collapse or lose his job.

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