Girl Who Had Friends in Elementary School Has No Interest in Playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons

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Since every day is a new day to accomplish something, it makes complete sense that most college-aged students are dipping into their savings to purchase a Nintendo Switch. We get it, after forgetting to shower and making pizza rolls every day for dinner, logically you want to take care of a whole village. The nostalgic game of Animal Crossing popping off right when the whole world has to shut down seems like God’s doing, but if I can barely get myself to shave my legs and take my birth control, why the hell would I have any interest in participating in any extra work? 

“I didn’t play Animal Crossing on my Nintendo DS as a child because I wasn’t a fucking loser. I actually had real human friends to hang out with” said Jennifer Logan, senior Public Relations major, while watching Love Island and checking her Twitter feed, again. “I was a Nintendogs and Cooking Mama girl, myself. Those games taught actual real-life skills. All I had to do was walk and feed my dogs, cook myself some minced pork steak, and go to sleep. Animal Crossing requires like, way too much. If I don’t check my character for a day, are they dead? That is so much pressure to add to my daily routine of doing absolutely nothing. No, thank you.”

“We really wish she would come and join us,” cried Tom Nook, looking like a total fucking idiot as he counted off that day’s in-game mortgage payoffs. “We have so many 23-year-olds getting back into the game, and it would be such a shame if she didn’t give us a chance. She must be so lonely in her actually real, tangible house with no animals there to talk to her. Doesn’t she want to shake some trees and make some Bells after her job laid her off? Doesn’t she care to fish for fake fish and useless Easter eggs that she can do nothing with in the real world? It’s such a shame she thinks she’s too good to spend hours of her day in a virtual world. Really such a shame.”

It’s important to recognize that Animal Crossing is a big comfort to some and a pleasant way to spend time during this quarantine, but it’s also important to understand that it doesn’t seem fun at all. There are so many other ways to spend time, like reading a book, taking a walk, or even just brushing your teeth. Although Animal Crossing might not be how sane people choose to waste their day, there’s mad respect for the sadists who do choose it. Tom Nook chooses you, too.

The Eggplant FSU