The Hare Baselessly Accuses the Tortoise of Taking Speed; His Family Responds

Speedy Tortoise II shocked the world Sunday night when he not only lapped Harold Hare in the Track & Field portion of the Furrylympics but ultimately won the race, becoming the first of his species to ever win anything. What was originally predicted to be a quick race turned into the most riveting eight hours of television to ever be broadcasted. However, in response to these shocking results, Hare accused his opponent of fishy behavior. In his Instagram story, Hare stated that he has reason to believe that Tortoise got his victory with the help of performance enhancement drugs. “Whatever chemicals are in that pond water [Tortoise] is drinking helped him,” Hare drunkenly shouted while live to two million viewers. Hare did not provide any further evidence for his accusation but that did not stop fans from engaging in online discourse.

The public is split on whether Tortoise was doping or if Hare took too long dozing mid-race. “Honestly, I think Hare got too cocky and decided to rest for a little longer than he should have,” influencer Lizzy Lizard posted on Facebook in response to no one. Footage of the race shows Hare in deep sleep as Tortoise approaches the finish line. Many fans believe that Hare is only accusing Tortoise to avoid delivering on his word. A week before the race, Hare told TMZ, “If I don’t win this race, I will put my burrow on Zillow, that’s how confident I am.” Following the race, Hare backtracked on his comments. “If you go back and watch the video, I clearly said that I would sell my home if the Tortoise won FAIRLY,” Hare said, making paw gestures to the camera.

Tortoise has yet to publicly speak on the situation, however, his mother and father invited us to their burrow for an interview. “The allegations against our boy are absolutely deplorable,” Mrs. Tortoise sobbed while unboxing a fresh Kleenex pack. “Speedy was obsessed with Hare as a tadpole. Hearing his idol accuse him of such foul behavior must have upset him deeply.” Mrs. Tortoise posted a photo of Tortoise dressed up as the Hare for Halloween to her growing Twitter account.

Tortoise has yet to respond to any of Hare’s proposals for a rematch. Despite being a tortoise he isn’t a fan of the spotlight. Aside from winning a gold medal, Tortoise’s achievement has led to a plethora of exciting opportunities for the shelled Usain Bolt. Tortoise’s story is getting the biopic treatment with newcomer Austin Butler in the lead role and director Michael Bay set to direct. The motion picture is titled Speedy and is scheduled to hit theaters Summer 2024. I guess we’ll just have to be patient.