Taylor Swift Announces 2024 Presidential Campaign
Yes, you heard it here FIRST: Taylor Swift is running for president! Fans found her announcement through the latest easter egg on her TIME magazine cover. Turns out, when you zoom into her cat’s paw, take the last letter of each of her album names, multiply it by thirteen, translate it into French, carve it into your skin, sacrifice your Republican father, and really squint your eyes, you can barely see that it reads “America (Taylor’s Version).” Most normal people didn’t think this theory was a stretch because most normal people weren’t even thinking about it. With the current trend of billionaires running for office to fill the void that (turns out) money, Epstein’s Island, and the exploitation of your inferiors can’t solve; this news came as a surprise to no one.
Taylor Swift herself stated that “I’m asking each of my fans to donate $5 towards my campaign. I want it to rely solely on grassroots efforts, so you know there’s no corruption going on. Sure, I could probably fund my entire campaign myself, but I’m really passionate about mobilizing younger voters. Plus, how else am I gonna pay for my private jet? It’s really important I fly from Iowa back to my New York townhouse during the caucus. I can’t really trust Travis to take care of my cats. Last time, I caught him sniffing the litter box. He said he was trying to make a bracelet for me out of Olivia Benson’s poop, but really, I think it secretly reminded him of the Chief’s locker room. Isn’t he just the cutest?” This quote was taken from a fan account that said to have personal insight on the couple…sure.
Fans were quick to respond to the controversy surrounding the entire situation. Karmaqueen13 took to TikTok, stating after a long millennial pause, “I don’t get why people are so upset. I mean, who else would you even want to run? A hobo? There’s nothing more useless than a poor person! I mean, what are they even contributing to besides the unemployment rate? Taylor stopped an entire recession. That’s democracy!” Swiftiemirrorball4life responded by saying, “She isn’t even like all the other billionaires; she’s actually self-made. Yeah, her dad’s a hedge fund manager, but at least she’s not a nepo baby! She’s never really had the same advantages as the rest of the .000000000000000001%. She actually has talent and made all her money writing songs about being treated terribly by all the hottest men in Hollywood, which, let's be real, you’ll never be able to relate to!”
When asked about the multiple genocides occurring around the world, both Taylor and her fans declined to comment on countries she’s never toured in. However, some promises central to the Swiftie Party™ include the death penalty for Kanye stans, a public hanging of Jake Gyllenhaal, and a 24-hour live stream of John Mayer in Guantanamo. Sign Taylor’s petition to keep men off the ballot FOREVER and donate to her campaign at americabelongs2taylor.tv.