Desperate Sophomore Receives Fake Number From On-Campus Mormon

After seeing most of her friends find significant others in preparation for Tallahassee’s weird excuse for winter, sophomore Diana Sevilla has been searching from Westcott Fountain to Fresh Foods in hopes of finding a warm male to latch on to at least until spring and hopefully beyond. Her latest setback came from a “properly-dressed nice guy” who decided to give her a fake number after she incessantly bugged him out of desire for something more than a connection with the Heavenly Father.

“I just don’t know what his problem is. I saw him there on Legacy Walk, striking up conversation with passersby, and he looked kind of lonely. So I went for it,” said Diana, a statistics major who has, in the past, told her partners that she actually prefers smaller p-values. “I go up to him and after a few minutes of sweet-talking, I get those precious digits. But when I texted him about forty minutes later, it was instead a 24/7 National Prayer Helpline number.”

The Mormon in question, Elder Jones, was clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation. “Yeah, Diana is really strange,” he said, as he brushed away another student urging him to start singing “I Believe” from the hit Broadway play. “She just came up and opened with ‘I heard it’s cuffing season, ELDER’ while tugging gently on the cuffs on my short-sleeve dress shirt. It made me feel weird, so I just gave her the prayer hotline number and started muttering in my head ‘Turn it off! Like a light switch…’”

“I don’t know what else I need to do,” sobbed Diana into her $6 Grand Slam, 16 ounce coffee and piece of fresh fruit at The Den. “But mark my words, I’m not giving up. This hopefully won’t be my only encounter with a ‘missionary’ this fall!”