Student Fears Naughty List After Spending Thanksgiving Lying About College Success

The week after Thanksgiving is always filled with leftover turkey sandwiches, tears from tasting real food after a semester of eating ass for three months straight and fear of upcoming final exams. One student, however, brought back more than just five extra pounds; freshman Jake Gill lugged a guilty conscience back to school. When asked by his extended family over Thanksgiving break how college was treating him, Gill panicked and L I E D *gasp*, saying, “Everything’s great! I get all A’s, maintain my diet and exercise, get 8 hours of sleep a night, abstain from drugs and alcohol, found the cure for cancer in my Chem 1 lab and definitely do not cry myself to sleep every night thinking about my workload and future!” Immediately after telling this lie, Gill knew he was getting a lump of coal in his stocking this Christmas.

“Yo, Jake was so dedicated to telling the truth, he didn’t even lie about his age or height on Tinder. His bio says ‘5’11⅚,’” said Gill’s roommate Brendan Metts while writing a letter to Santa Claus about his peer’s transgressions. “I knew he was going down a dangerous road when he told me he’d get ahead on his reading and final essays over break, but I still can’t believe he’s a naughty boy now.”

The plight that Gill faced is one that every student struggles with, especially when surrounded by distant family they only see twice a year. We are all eventually confronted with the reality that we are flawed individuals and that the expectation for us to excel in every aspect of our lives is mentally devastating and unrealistic. Not only do final exam grades not define use as people, but neither does our GPA. GPA isn't even a deal-breaker among employers. But there’s nothing more soul-crushing than a B+, right?

“Screw being honest! Reaching out for support and caring for your mental, physical and spiritual health is for dweebs!” Exclaimed Gill as he injected caffeine into his bloodstream and taped his eyelids open. “I’d rather maintain an image of perfection to virtual strangers and be on  Santa’s naughty list than open up about the shared struggles among college students. Santa will only come if you have a 4.0 GPA, anyway.”

Take care of yourselves this finals week, Eggheads!!!!