Couple Screaming Outside Your Window At 3 AM Wants to Remind You to Mind Your Business

High school sweethearts Jake Kirten and Felicia Taro were eager to have their “I shouldn’t have followed you to college” screaming match right outside your window at 3 o’clock in the morning, but want to remind you that this is an extremely personal conversation and you’re being rude as hell for opening your window and asking them to “quiet down please” because it’s “three in the morning” and you have “Organic Chemistry” at “8 AM.” Oh and another thing: how dare you?

“I honestly don’t understand why people feel the need to just insert themselves into our mature adult discussion,” wept Taro while drunkenly ripping off the cowboy boots she wore to The Strip and plopping herself down on the curb literally right outside your window. “This is our love, it’s beautiful and resilient. Anyone who doesn’t like it is formally invited to mind their own business.”

While it seems that Jake has taken some time to cool off by aggressively stomping through the hallways and ripping down door decs, Felicia is determined to continue loudly sobbing. She has also thrown in a few hiccups that definitely have you preparing yourself to hear a crying girl throw up literally right outside your window at 3 AM, a time when even the rogue Tallahassee trains know to keep their choo choos to a minimum.

“This is just the way it is, y’know,” sighed Felicia after purging herself to self-actualization in the bushes literally right outside the window next to the bed where you rest your head. “But I love Jake and I know he loves me, too. I will do whatever it takes to keep our love alive. Even if that means we have to be outside screaming to the high heavens every God damn night. These are the sacrifices we, and every person within a 100-foot radius, make for love.”