Girl Chooses Life at Desk Over Peeling Ass From Chair

A Tuesday afternoon Spanish class led sophomore Julie Chen to one of the most important decisions of her life, second only to the Chipotle vs. Moe’s debate. As the sound of students shoving their belongings into their bags and zipping their backpacks over the teacher’s lecture signaled that the end of class was near, Julie attempted to do the same. But within seconds, it became clear to her that her ass would need to be painfully peeled from her seat in order to leave. With this realization, she decided Diffenbaugh 208 was her new home.

“I almost wore leggings, but my always reliable weather app said 99% humidity, so I didn’t want to deal with the swamp ass. In retrospect, a smelly crotch is preferable to never being able to leave my desk without ripping the skin from my thighs,” explained Chen while filling her Amazon cart with Vaseline and gauchos. “Next time - if there is a next time - I’ll be prepared.”

Dr. Gutierrez, who teaches the class just after Chen’s, was surprised by Diffenbaugh’s newest and only resident but very understanding. “It’s obviously pretty inconvenient to have to teach around her but she is usually pretty respectful and waits until after our class to fart.”  

Chen isn’t letting the new living situation dampen her spirits. She has been living off a steady diet of Jimmy John’s for every meal and plans to finish her degree by enrolling in only classes given in Diffenbaugh 208. “Honestly, it’s not so bad,” said Chen. “And I can officially confirm that teachers do not sleep under their desks at night, they go home just like the rest of us… I mean you.”