Thousands of Students to Go Without Resetting Microwave Clock for Rest of Year

Due to mild winds turning every Tallahassee tree into the Whomping Willow, students city-wide anticipated long term power outages from hurricane Irma. Thankfully, the majority of these students were faced merely with slight flickers in power, affecting not much more than the time displayed on their sauce splattered microwaves. Once displaying the accurate time, thousands of microwaves across Tallahassee will now only display zeroes for the rest of the year.

“This is 2017. Chairs give massages. iPhones could use fingerprints to find criminals faster than any government agency. You’d think my microwave that creates heat at the instant push of a button would have the intelligence by now to display the correct time on its own,” complained computer programmer Seth Mcintyre as his Fitbit communicated with his Google Home to play soothing rain sounds after sensing his rising stress levels. “I’m a busy man. Just because I programmed Siri to talk dirty to me doesn’t mean I have the time to jump through freaking hoops to reset the clock on my microwave every time the power goes out.”

Some students have expressed even less motivation than Seth. Freshman Yerp Mushpot, who has been in the same spot in his bed since he initially heard class was cancelled, is also avoiding the reset. “I wouldn’t even have a microwave if it weren’t for my mom. She was so excited for me to start college she just bought Pottery Barn in its entirety,” he said while eating a cold Hot Pocket and flipping over to even out the bed sores. “I think flushing the toilet takes too much time. That microwave clock option isn’t going to be touched until my mom comes back to help move me out.”

With students able to forget about school obligations and deadlines for over a week, motivation for resetting microwave clocks has been at an all time low. Students have been displaying groundbreaking levels of apathy usually only seen in last semester seniors who have to take a final exam the day after they graduate. Undergrad and graduate students of all majors and ages are proud to finally come together as a unified community rooted in refusing to press a few buttons on their microwaves, and possibly even entertaining the idea of using a watch.

Image source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyKTcSAoi7A