Political Science Major Boasts About Getting All the “Questions Right” on Midterm Election Ballot
Today is election day and there’s no better way for students to flex on their friends than by letting them know how politically active they are by performing the sexiest act of all: voting. Many have already done their due diligence and researched all the candidates based on who is the least problematic and the 800 amendments that don’t make sense to anyone. Luckily, local PoliSci major and self-proclaimed "Voting God" Ricky Peterson is here to let everyone know that was baby shit compared to him. It turns out that the guy who’s been late to every “Intro to National Government” lecture all semester just left his local polling place and is confident he just crushed that vote so fucking hard.
“Dude, I was so in my element. I just got in there and felt the democratic process juices flowing and kind of rode that wave all the way to the ballot deposit machine,” said Peterson, closing 35 amendment-related Quizlet tabs on his phone and blowing up the groupchat with the boys about how he took his local polling place to poundtown. “I’m voting to make a change in my community and got a fucking one-hundo on it. I know for a fact I got every single question right, even the one where they ask about racing dogs in casinos with felons while indoor vaping. That sounds dope as hell, so how could I not write yes* in big block letters all over that sweet, 16.5 inches of pure ballot. Now I can post how I voted all over Facebook and Instagram just for the likes and get a feeling of civil duty coursing through my veins. It’s a win-win-win-win-win, baby.”
“I feel like he saw midterm election and thought this was like a midterm for a class. Maybe that’s a result of the ballot being indistinguishable from a Scantron and that we were handing out study guides by the door, but this definitely wasn’t something that you can ‘get right.' I mean, there are right ways to vote, but technically not. But also technically, yes? You know what I mean,” said Sean Malcolm, a volunteer poll worker who’s been holding the door open outside the Civic Center non-stop since October, living off only Dasani water from the concession stand and the electric thrill of seeing someone exercise their constitutional rights. “I really appreciate his enthusiasm, but he told me he had an ‘election erection.’ He didn’t have to do that. No one does. Just do your civic duty like a normal person. I promise it’ll still count.”
Whether you’re a PoliSci major or someone who even remotely cares about the world we live in, you can crush the midterm elections, too, by checking out the same Quizlet that Peterson accidentally discovered 10 minutes before he stumbled into the voting line. Whatever you do, just please don't doom this entire hellish peninsula by writing in "Harambe" on your ballot. Voting is your RIGHT and you deserve that sexy little "I Voted" sticker.
*This is not how you vote. Don’t write all over it in block letters. It’s a bubble. You bubble in.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Please consider checking out these helpful voting links below!