It’s No-Shave November and the Average Age Appearance of Men on Campus Just Dropped to Prepubescent

Typically, the general male population found on college campuses maintains a delicate balance between acne ridden boys with voices that still aren't able to hit those deep, sexy bass notes and men that look like they have a wife, 3 kids and a full-time job selling health insurance. What unites the two, however, is No-Shave November, a strange month-long holiday that has already been full force for just of few days. Due to the lack of no facial hair on campus whatsoever, FSU has descended into chaos filled with only baby fat pudgy chins and cheeks that so many dudes have worked so hard to hide under their lumpy, patchy scruff.

“I was denied entry into my 4000 level classes after the first week of November, even though I’ve attended them for the past two months. My professor said that this was a ‘senior level course,’ and my lack of facial hair during this iconic month definitely meant I was a freshman, or at most an underclassman," huffed senior Benjamin Butone as he wistfully stroked his almost stubbly chin. In his professor's defense, it would be very difficult right now to tell the difference between Butone and a gangly middle schooler who was the last kid in his grade to have still not grown a single chest hair. “It’s gotten to the point where my friends don’t even recognize me! One of them saw me, handed me a lollipop and told me to go find my parents. It’s like the beards they’ve grown so quickly – without even knowing the real meaning of this month – are covering their poopy brown eyes! Either way, I’ll show them in a few weeks when my beard is thiccer and hairier than my dad's ass!”

“If another student stumbles into this office ranting about beard tan lines or how the air is so cold on their newly exposed chin, I’m prepared to glue their shaved hair right back on their fresh, young faces," stated Kelly Gene, a member of Case Management Services, as she finished processing three "no beard, no more showing up to class" drops. “The amount of reports describing naked mole rats and giant man-babies making their rounds through campus has my head spinning. We're prepared to start sending students back through the admissions process to be readmitted through FSU's Childcare and Early Learning Programs. Our next step is to start rating everything around campus 'PG' to avoid sending anyone into a temper tantrum."

While the major loss of beards and mustaches has severely wounded FSU's standard of gruff and hairy masculinity, the next several weeks will see a resurgence in facial hair and major assertions of dominance by those who can regrow it the fastest. Regardless of whether or not men around campus are doing this to flex on people who aren't able to grow bits of scruff as fast as them, one thing is clear: the reason this week has been fucking terrible is because the terrible twos are back and scarier than ever.