Sorority Girl Fully Embraces G-Big Label, Adopts 9 PM Bedtime After Week of Binge Drinking
Following Delta Nu sorority sister Jessica Hodges’ fourth consecutive blackout since Fat Tuesday, the FSU junior and retail merchandising major has finally taken a hint and retired into her bed with a glass of boxed red blend before 9:30 PM. Shortly after tucking herself under the overpriced covers of her shared double bed and opening up her coffee table book from Urban Outfitters, Ms. Hodges remarked aloud to her three roommates and house dog named Little Tippy, “Gosh, it’s weeks like these where I just feel like such a grandma!”
“My word, on nights where I’m not publicly urinating at the Strip or taking some shots off that weird ice luge that all the fraternities have for some reason, sometimes I really wonder if I’m not a seventy year old grandma in a twenty-two year old body,” said Hodges, as she made plans to wake up tomorrow and not suffer from osteoporosis. “I mean, good heavens, those blackouts were from the Jessica of yesteryear. This Jessica is all about hot tea, Bunco and saying things like ‘I think Marco Rubio is trying his best.’”
Not all of Hodges’ sisters are on board with her new identity. “I dunno. I’ve seen Jessica on Tuesday nights when she has an 8 AM lecture the next morning and she puts down those Y-bombs faster than my late great-aunt put down her heart disease medication,” said Logan Paul apologist and Hodges’ grand little Tiffany Lahren. “I’m glad she’s taking it easy once in a while, but a cleanse usually entails more Pedialyte and less Franzia. But I suppose if anything good has come out of this it’s that Jessica stocked up on sugar free butterscotch candies, so when I come home completely clobbered and soaking wet after falling in the pool at Recess, I at least get a sweet little treat after I puke in the bathroom sink.”
Despite Hodges’ newfound revelation that she may have aged fifty years after her fortieth Bull’s attendance since she turned 21, she still admits that she may not have entirely shed her old ways. “This night is shaping up to be a nice recovery, but I’m still looking forward to my Collegetown bar crawl tomorrow afternoon. After all, what’s the point of having a great college experience if you die of liver cirrhosis before you have the chance to peacefully reminisce upon it in your retirement age?”