Doomsday Clock Revealed to Be Two Minutes Behind Schedule

The cuckoo clock of human ineptitude has recently determined that the world is roughly two minutes away from global catastrophe, leaving the general public to make as many Iron Maiden jokes as possible before The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists come out of their bunkers to knock our teeth out over the next glib Facebook post. With all of the commotion and possibly the most attention the public has given the concept of “The Doomsday Clock” since it popped back up in 2010 after eight years of quasi-irrelevance, we can only hope the next disaster is right around the corner.

This would be in everyone’s favor, if not for the genuine and absolute bullshit of the whole ordeal. According to human nonsense expert Arte Siruis, this is a major problem. “I’m not sure who went and snuck in to the Holy Clock Room, but whoever it was threw us all off. The clock was supposed to chime at midnight the day Tom Brady cried while spilling the milk he would use to eat his celebratory Wheaties after the Superbowl. But, we’ve been two minutes behind the whole time,” he explained while tapping ferociously on his Casio wrist watch. “That means at any given point, we’re going to have to start building giant robots to punch nukes out of the sky again. And giant nuke-punching robots are expensive.”

Due to budget constraints, The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists have given an ultimatum to their lower ranking employees: figure out how to make cheaper world saving robots, or fix the clock. In true fashion, the staff agreed it would be much cooler to hold a robot construction conference than to push the clock forward by two minutes and admit defeat by the hands of Anna Log, the timekeeper who supposedly shirked work for the whole Wheaties fiasco. Log has remained adamant about their part in the ordeal, claiming, “It’s not like I didn’t update it for nothing. Someone brought a dog to the office. That’s totally a worthy reason to not keep the clock on time.”

With the clock technically out of time, and the entire organization strapped for world-saving cash, the budget “anti-nuclear war” summit will focus on the best possible methods for constructing solutions to their own self-sabotaged program, as well as possible fundraising measures to support the team through the coming apocalypse. Intern Jessica Pedroso has a list of extensive possibilities for merchandise sales, including but not limited to: Sweatshirts with the phrase “STOP PLAYING IRON MAIDEN” plastered on the front in Impact font to coffee mugs that say “Please start paying your interns” in red.