INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Your Textbook’s Been “In Transit” for Two Weeks, Here’s What We Know

Thousands of textbooks are stranded in semi trucks across the country this week as the FSU Bookstore assures students that the books they traded their family corgi, Pippingsworth, for are sure to arrive sometime between tomorrow and 37 years from now. With discussion boards due for their 1000-level online classes, many students are wondering what exactly is taking the bookstore so long to successfully execute what is quite literally only job. Luckily for the student body, our tip top investigator at The Eggplant FSU, a wise old wizard with a Casio calculator, has discovered a disturbing possible explanation.

“They’re just ordering the books in bulk from Amazon!” said an anonymous Bookstore employee who sought an explanation after being brought to tears by several angry honors students that wanted their non-required textbooks. “After I composed myself, I made it my personal mission to hack into the Bookstore's mainframe. The most disturbing part? All of the 2-day Prime shipping on the orders had been forgone for $5 gift cards to anything in the book or electronics section.”

“You can bet your bottom dollar I won’t be ordering from the FSU Bookstore ever again,” said freshman Presidential Scholars reject , Tyler McConnell O’Henry III, while sending his professor an email that was addressed, “Dear Mom.”  “If only I had known that I wasn’t legally required to order from the FSU Bookstore. I went to my professor’s office hours four times to beg for forgiveness. Finally, she said, ‘Tyler, you don’t need to tell me every time you don’t do the readings. Also, you don’t need to ask to go to the bathroom during class. Just go.’”

Clearly, it’s been a traumatic first few weeks of school, especially for freshmen whose parents threatened to sue if their child wasn’t placed in ‘honors only’ housing. When asked how they felt about crushing O’Henry III’s dreams of going to law school, the FSU Bookstore declined to comment. Unfortunately, until the books “arrive," the best that students can do is download illegal PDFs of their textbooks and hope that O’Henry III or any of the other honors students don’t call the cops.