Eggplant Horoscopes January 2019
It’s the start of a brand new year, which means there’s no better time to check up on what the planets are cooking up for you this 2019. Whether you’re already tired of eating avocados fried in bacon grease on your new Keto diet or just want some insight on if Derek from BSC1005 is actually giving you heart eyes from across the endless rows of Ruby Diamond, here are some personalized, professional January horoscopes from the meticulously trained astrologers at The Eggplant FSU to offer you some cosmic guidance this semester.
Aries:
Little baby Aries, we should call your fiery spirit Miley Cyrus because you just “Can’t Be Tamed” this January. Although it may seem impossible, try to hold your tongue when a classmate inevitably shouts a wrong answer with confidence, even though it seems like common sense that we can’t make fresh water by removing all of the salt from the ocean.
Taurus:
Taurus, as the semester starts kicking your behind, don’t let that lazy streak take hold no matter how appealing watching “Great British Bake Off” in your jammies til the wee hours of the morning sounds. There’s always time to learn how to make a Victoria Sponge, however, submitting your Philosophy paper by 11:59 p.m. is an urgent and present matter.
Gemini:
Sweet Gem Gem, those celestial twins will sure come in handy this month as you juggle what seems like an endless amount of assignments. Try not to get too ambitious with your commitments and make sure to set aside some valuable “me time” - we promise the “Harry Pottery” club won’t crash and burn without you showing off your slippery hand skills on that ceramic goblet of fire you’ve been working on.
Cancer:
Cancer, don’t let the stress of a new schedule set off your sensitive eye sprinklers. Your rich emotional life is appreciated and, frankly, adorable. But you might rub your roommate the wrong way if you keep crying over Carrie’s terrible romantic decisions at the end of each Sex and the City episode. Spoiler alert: they only get worse.
Leo:
It’s no secret that Leo’s love the spotlight, and this month is no exception. While class introductions make everyone else fantasize about shoving ballpoint pens into their eye sockets and ending it all right then and there, you simply can’t wait to share your name, hometown, major, and the daddy-daughter trip to Naples you took this break. Kudos to you, Leo.
Virgo:
Ah, Virgo – the perfectionist of the Zodiac. Try not to let classmates in group projects take advantage of your strong work ethic, no matter how sure you are that there’s absolutely no way Brett and Cassidy are actually going to fill in their Prezi slides with correct information and consistent font size. Even if they use Comic Sans, just take a deep breath and remember that everything will be okay and you can change it while they’re not looking at the last minute.
Libra:
Oh, Libra, you poor baby. It’s clear that you want peace this month, but with your ex also being a member of your 23-person major, the odds aren’t in your favor. Since you have so much trouble deciding for yourself, the stars will do it for you: do not get back with your ex. Also, trust your gut on that idea you’ve been envisioning for your next artistic endeavor, even if it happens to be a cubist sculpture of a penis – just as long as it’s not your fucking ex’s!
Scorpio:
Scorpio, you, little sexual deviant, you! This month will create an awakening for you in the bedroom. Since you love control and power in life, don’t be afraid to take the reigns next time your professor gives you the eyes in class. You know what you want and this month is your time to channel your inner Serena VanDerWoodsen and spread your shittily shaved legs for Dr. Johnston.
Sagittarius:
Being a Sagittarius is hard when you have so much to say, so much you want to see and absolutely no qualifications to pursue either. Although you love being the class clown, no one wants to hear your rock puns in Marine Geology; they’re just not funny. If you keep your mouth shut, you might just find that partner you’ve been longing for this month that would end your sad, sad eight-month dry streak of emotional unavailability.
Capricorn:
Young Capricorn, stay focused this month as you embark on a huge goal. Although you may want to continue on with your party lifestyle, stay far away from Bullwinkles. You know nothing good has come out of AYCD. A good time is not worth calling your mom, crying because you think you have Chlamydia. Remember the hard work that must be done, like that already overdue syllabus quiz.
Aquarius:
Hey Aquarius, you stubborn, creative baby. This month you’ll be given the opportunity to flex on your ex and classmates as you take over the group project, but remember, other people in your group exist and don’t want to hear the “Why All Men Deserve to Die” monologue you’ve prepared for the class. Take some time for reflection at the Rez, and pack a bag, you’ll be there for an extended amount of time.
Pisces:
Li’l Pisces, this is your time to stand up to your emotions and finally not cancel on your therapist. You’re known for being flaky, but you’re determined to change your ways this year, starting with Dr. Newman. Don’t be afraid to let your musical passion slip out, too. That band you’ve been dying to start will finally come together when a classmate shows potential with his pencil tapping desk skills. But hide your songbook, a sneaky roommate will be snooping around your room for juicy secrets.