Christian Girl Went Home with Your Crush (But They Just Sat on Her Bed and Talked)
There’s nothing like a house party on a Friday night with the gang. The same old friends week after week, drinking Natty Light in the same dimly lit backyard; it’s truly magical. That is until the guy you’ve Instagram stalked for a whole month walks in with his roommate who looks like a mannequin (but in a hot way.) Is he the hottest guy at the party? Probably not, but you know it’s the best you can do. When his eyes lock with yours, it feels like you might finally have a chance of losing your oral v-card. That is, until the little Christian girl who isn’t actually friends with anyone appears with her Mike’s Hard and boho-inspired headband, causing his gaze to shift. Everyone knows he’s going for a home run, but little does he know that she won’t even take a pitch.
“I don’t know what it is about her, but the fact that she’s the size of an American Girl Doll and probably doesn’t smoke weed is so captivating to me. It’s like, I want to write songs about her and take up Corinthians or something,” said Tyler Moran, senior Humanities major and very amateur guitarist, while breaking all his cigarettes in half. “I wasn’t even horny and I’ve screwed around with my fair share of women, even feminists. There’s never been a girl who just nods her head and listens when I talk about MMA for thirty minutes without interruption. I’ve never been to therapy, but after talking to Faith for two hours on her floral duvet, my depression might be cured.”
“I’ve been on a lot of dates,” said sophomore Faith Clark, proud barista and thrift shopper, while spit shining her oxfords. “Most guys don’t ever go for a kiss with me until the third date, and I don’t have to ever ask them to respect me. For some reason, they just already do. It’s easy to be happy when Jesus is on my side, not to mention my gold cross really makes my boobs pop. My mother said that I should be engaged by my college graduation, but I think I prefer to bring boys home after parties to have them comb my unreasonably long feet-lengthed hair and vent about their purpose in life. I somehow find a way to get boys to cry and listen to The Head and the Heart. I played Mary four years in a row in the Apopka Community Baptist Church’s production of the nativity story, so my ability to weep gracefully on cue is profound.”
Whether or not the Christian girl gets further with your crush than you do doesn’t matter. What matters is her somehow getting the attention of the five other guys you’ve considered having a crush on, too. It’s normal to contemplate getting closer with God or wearing less makeup, but don’t worry, he’ll come around eventually to use you for your body and absolutely not respect you at the next party. Plus, Faith is currently seven months into a long-distance relationship with a future marine and high school basketball coach who might be gay, so there’s no need to worry about her.