Sliding Glass Door at Party Is Also Embarrassed You Walked Into It
What professors know as “syllabus week,” a.k.a. the first week of school where the class goes over just how late they can get away with turning their papers in, students see as an entire week filled with shitty iterations of the same FSU-mandated policies and pre-games from hell. No matter how fast professors dive into chapter one of “History of the Tramp Stamp,” there is no dissuading students from thinking that this is the time that they just have to finally try a random party off of Airport Drive, where there always happens to be a sliding glass door waiting to be run into. And just like that friend that had to be bullied into going out tonight, this sliding glass door is also full of anxiety and can’t believe you just walked right into it either.
“The thing is, no one even cared about my presence before they rammed into me. Even after they do, it’s usually out of courtesy to the house residents. They feel me up to act like they're making sure I’m fine and not about to shatter. But I’m not fine. I’m just not!” said the sliding glass door while standing erect and completely lifeless, doing it’s very best not to let one atom slide out of place. “I know it’s embarrassing to run into me, especially when people on the opposite side see what looks like a hybrid fish monster with lip injections. But take a minute to imagine how I feel! I can’t run away to the bathroom and have a breakdown in front of the mirror with my girls. At least your oopsie didn’t damage your structural integrity on top of your dignity.”
“Yes, I feel bad. But in a moment like that, where you just want to stride confidently to the inside of the house (even though you’re just acting busy because your friend abandoned you for a boy that microdoses LSD), you can’t feel bad for anyone but yourself,” said sophomore Lucas Hall as he shamefully wiped away the mound of saliva he left after faceplanting into the sliding glass. “Even if this was a ‘Sliding Doors’ situation where we’d get to see how my life turned out had I not run into the door (and gotten murdered in that movie too I think), I’d take the parallel universe no questions asked! If anything, I just wish I was the door. Unlike me, the sliding glass door doesn’t have to face everyone again at Kyle’s pre-game this Saturday.”
While there are only two more nights of syllabus week, sliding glass doors everywhere are still very much in danger. Students must ask themselves if they know the risks involved sending a text that simply reads “bet” in response to a spontaneous house party invite. Unlike partiers who rudely run into these doors, the sliding glass door can’t snort a line of probably just baking soda to deal with the embarrassment. So maybe consider someone else for once, instead of how you’re going to acquire a case of Lime-A-Ritas after your older roommate graduated in fall.