Your Boyfriend is Leaving You for the New Xbox
The end of 2020 marks a significant period in console history as the newest hardware for Xbox and Playstation series is being released worldwide. Soon, gamers around the country will have a frame rate as high as their expectations for women and graphics as intense as the language used during any given multiplayer game. It’s a time of joy for those fortunate enough to find a place reasonably selling them or insane enough to buy one from a scalper. It’s the best time to be into video games and the worst time to be dating someone who enjoys them. Assuming said gamer is lucky enough to nab a new one for the holidays, they have likely cut off all the remaining social connections and relationships they had in their life. The gamers are, sadly, rising up.
“Can a real girl render her boobs in 4k at 60 frames per second? Yeah, I didn’t fucking think so,” said WoW Classic activist and outspoken meninist Jack “Xx_GrowsWhenTugged_xX” Stetson. “The ASLC recently oppressed me by not having the newest console on release and banning me when I kicked over the Legos they have in that display case by the theater. I pay exactly nothing to play on their consoles and objectify the women working there and this is how I am treated? It is such bullshit. They simply do not know the importance of playing on the newest system. Ashley, my ex, never knew either. She always wanted to ‘spend time with me’ and was never into ‘giving me a blowjob while I grinded camos in Call of Duty’ with my boys. I have been stuck on getting kill streaks with the pistols and she never supported me through this stressful time. She was such a noob.”
“I just don’t get it. Can’t you shoot the dudes on any system?” wondered the recently dumped Ashley Jefferson. “I understand the joy in buying the newest piece of tech, but I honestly just wanted like an hour with him a week. He was always so disinterested and upset when he wasn’t gaming. He was a beautiful person when he would put down the controller and talk to people! He was such a sweet guy! Well, he was a sweet guy when he wasn’t being racist or homophobic or sexist or ableist or a right-wing propagandist. He was just like that any time he opened his mouth to interact with anything in sight living or inanimate. The rest of the time he was such an angel and the time we spent was magical. He bought me breakfast once in the two years we had dated and I still think about it. That McMuffin wrap was so good...”
The ASLC is still in a legal battle with Jack and debunking his claims of “genuine, horrific gamer oppression at the hands of the elite.” Legal battles at FSU with people named Jack are famous for being full of bullshit so the ASLC better be prepared. Anyway, we do hope those fortunate and rich enough to buy the new Xbox or Playstation are enjoying the frankly handful of games available to them. To everyone else? Git gud or whatever.