Friend Who Sleeps Until 3:00 Every Day "Excited" for 9:00 AM Class They Won't Attend
With this semester reaching an end, many students are excited about the possibilities and learning opportunities of new classes. Who wouldn’t be excited to skip lectures and just barely reach the word minimum on discussion posts? It really is that twenty minutes before the class starts that just kills the drive to learn. What confuses you, though, is your friend’s excitement for Intro to Public Speaking on a Zoom Call. She kept gushing about learning to talk in short bursts that match their garbage internet speed. Yet, the class starts at nine in the morning. You genuinely can not remember her ever being awake prior to “Love Island” airing and wonder how they will be in class on time. Wait, when was the last time she woke up again?
“Listen, brand new semester means brand new me. I have changed!” explained your friend Susan Bartholomew while sounding like a scorned ex. “Yes, I need my eighteen hours of sleep. I am part grizzly bear and hibernate. I have moved on from a diet of berries and fish but I am working to bring that number of hours down to sixteen. I have come so far from my days of being a stable, rational teenager. In that time, I have come to believe in the power of determination and short-sighted idealism. Well, soft drugs and caffeine is also a big part of reaching my dreams. Oh, and instant cheesecake mix. Holy shit, you guys gotta try that stuff. Anyway, they are big motivators. I am not too sure how I keep going back to weed and Dunkin Donuts coffee but here we are I guess?”
“I’m sort of worried for Susan. She is really destroying her body but I guess I can’t really talk cause I’m sleeping for like ten hours consistently now,” expressed concerned roommate Donny Springfield only moments after waking up from his ten hour slumber. “We’re in weird times and need weird ways to cope with all the chaos. Self care is really important and it is no secret that no college student on planet Earth properly does it right. It really worries me though that a lot of people are like Susan and taking problems that existed prior to quarantine and 2020 and not properly addressing them. There are elephants in the room people! You can’t keep pouring coffee on the elephant! It’ll just get angrier!”
Despite how it looks and the fact that Susan fell asleep after the interview, we are eager to see her and everyone else’s wonderful post-quarantine glow up. There better be five-hour-long Instagram stories explaining how to attain such remarkable results. There’s plenty of dieting fads, fresh air to breathe, and “Top Ten Inspiring Ted Talk” videos to recommend to our friends once we finally get out of here. We’ve all become three generations removed from a goblin at this point and we deserve a lot better. For now, just do your best to wake up before noon.