Guy With Worst Apartment You've Ever Seen Still Not Interested in You
College towns are home to disgusting guys and even more disgusting housing complexes. These balls of slime and their respective homes are necessary for cultivating the perfect college experience. After all, no woman can live out the prime of her life without hanging out with a guy who owns more bongs than cleaning products in an apartment home to a toilet that hasn’t been scrubbed since the last resident moved out. Unfortunately for these ladies that are more intellectually, physically, and morally impressive than any guy they have met in their four years in college, not a single one of these cretins has taken a hint.
“This apartment is the best for having over all of my female friends that I bet aren’t into me. Check out the couch! It’s got storage for the apartment’s communal hand drill, my old take-out boxes full of decomposing chicken bones--plus, it’s where I take naps from 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. daily,” said Jack Zimmer, a man who a woman with a 4.0 GPA, a job and a working shower is inexplicably infatuated with. “Some people don’t like the smell of smoke, but I think it creates just the right atmosphere for me to play GTA IV before I add a 16th dirty plate to my sink’s collection and call it a night,” said Zimmer while not fixing the falling corner of his “Pulp Fiction” poster for the third month straight. “There’s no way my apartment sucks. Why else would the girl from my public admin class offer to come to my place exclusively to work on our project?”
“Every time I get drunk, I am convinced this man is going to be the father of my children, but I’m not even sure he or any of his five roommates own bleach,” said Margo O’Rourke, a senior who has seen enough rom-coms to know better. “Last time I was over at his place, I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be for the two of us to be in his bed--alongside the laundry he hasn’t folded for two weeks, of course. There’s actually a part of me that thinks it would be really cool to hang out with his brain-dead roommates and get a UTI from using their guest bathroom that has a single remaining sliver from a bar of soap and no towel,” said O’Rourke while looking up the difference between mold and mildew in preparation for cleaning her future boyfriend’s bathtub. “I just can’t believe I’ve seen this guy put on the Hobo Johnson Tiny Desk video at a party and not have a single vegetable in his fridge, and I’m still into him.”
With the majority of these men coming from stable, middle-class homes and with enough intelligence to attend a university, it’s hard to tell what exactly went wrong. Fortunately, if enough women sleep with them at regular intervals, they might remember to wash their sheets and load their dishwasher--just to make sure the girl that is not you is willing to walk through the door. Even if he could pick up that you like him (after seeing that he lives worse than your family dog), he’s still not over his high school girlfriend from three years ago anyway. Never fucking mind.