Finance Major Exhausted From Having To Explain NFTs To Get Girls To Sleep With Him
We’ve certainly come to a kind of “new normal” when it comes to hooking up during the pandemic. Meeting random coeds at the bar and pretending to be smart just isn’t cutting it anymore, and horny people everywhere are having to get more creative when it comes to convincing women they’re worthy of a merciless two-pump chump. However, some have had it easier than others. Finance majors are of vital importance as the confusion surrounding NFTs rises, as no one else could possibly break it down in small enough terms for even tiny fish-brained people to understand. They’re getting exhausted, though, and it’s unsure how much longer they can keep it up (literally).
“It’s a non-fungible token,” said FSU finance major Zeke Rockefeller while adjusting his bolo tie. “It basically means you get a 1/1, unique digital item. It’s actually so co--that didn’t help? Okay, imagine an individualized sculpture that no one else in the world has, and you can buy it. For example, imagine I take a silicone mold of my dick and it goes on auction, and you buy it. I doubt that would happen, because it would be so huge it could barely fit in your house, but just imagine doing that. You’d be the proud owner of a unique sculpture of my dick, and it couldn’t be replaced with anyone else’s dick, and it would be yours forever. I mean-- it could be, if you wanted it to be. That’s basically what a non-fungible token is.”
“NFTs are actually so bad for the environment,” said Sophie Lanes, president of the FSU WOKE (We Obviously Kiss Eagerly) Society. “From what I read on Twitter, they have to run 1,000 supercomputers in order to make just one NFT transaction. It produces a ton of energy and basically pollutes our ozone layer as much as New Zealand does every year. I don’t have a source for this or anything but I just think it’s so wrong to promote something that causes so much waste and destruction. Anyway, do you know if there’s a trash can around here anywhere? I have like 6 Starbucks cups that have just been collecting on the floor of my car.”
Well, it seems like no one will ever be able to actually explain what NFTs are. We lived for a few decades blissfully unaware of the seemingly cursed crypto-phenomenon, so it seems as though we’ll be able to go for another few without having to investigate further. As long as the fine arts students don’t figure them out, we should all be safe for the time being.