5 Ways to Prepare for the Most Beautiful Women You Know Outing Themselves as Ugly Man-Lovers
The trauma that is Valentine’s Day is officially over now, but the damage that the holiday has done is irreversible. Every year, hopeless single people everywhere must prepare for the monstrosity that they face when they open their Instagram stories on February 14th to see the most beautiful woman in the world with the most mediocre-looking man to ever exist. With the work ethic of Mordecai from Regular Show and a face like Sloth from the Goonies, there is virtually no way to fully prepare for the dichotomy of these horrifying heterosexual relationships. But, here are 5 tips that can help you try.
Know that there’s nothing you could’ve done.
These women are delusional, fragmented even. There’s nothing you can do to save them from their fate. Once they see a finance major that looks like he’d play a rousing game of catch with his son, it’s over for them. They’ve gone to the dark side, and there’s no hope for you pulling them out.
Remember that relationships usually don’t last forever.
With the last point being said, remember that men have a sick and twisted habit of fucking up. A lot. Hopefully, if he does something bad enough, she’ll realize just how ugly he is and leave him for good. Hopefully.
Call and check up on your other “single” friends.
Is she really single, or is she in a complicated situationship from which she will never be fully separated? If the latter is the case, make sure to call your friends and ensure they won’t make any hasty decisions by posting a picture of their “friend with benefits” out for an anti-Valentine’s dinner with them. It gets ugly quick. Don’t let her out herself, good friends don’t let other friends out themselves as ugly man-lovers.
Get really, stupidly high.
Nothing numbs the pain like the sweet taste of marijuana. The most beautiful woman you know is probably already pregnant by the worst man in the world, so smoke for the ones who already have a bun in the primordial oven.
Put the phone down.
Perhaps the only true way of preparing yourself is to understand that there’s no way to prepare and that the unveiling of straight relationships are like an atomic bomb on your timeline. Every. Single. Time. If you want to know true peace, log out of Instagram and drop your phone in a ditch somewhere. Pull an Into the Wild and venture into the black wood of some random National Park close to your college campus, just to never emerge again. Going off the grid completely may be your only choice.