Let's Talk About Wonka

What does every good movie need? A reboot, sequel, spinoff, TV adaptation, or at least a prequel. Reboot was already taken, so a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory prequel it is! The result is Wonka, a film that feels like it should be watched around the holidays even though it has nothing to do with any major holiday. I was fortunate enough to watch an early screening of the film with a massive watermark of my name on the screen, so in this article, I will be reviewing the 85% of the screen I could actually see. I was also able to seduce enough Hollywood elites to participate in a Zoom call with Wonka stars and my close personal friends, Timothée Chalamet and Keegan-Michael Key (yes, you read that right, I’m better than you), and talk to them about the deepest inner workings of the filmmaking process, like what their favorite chocolate bars are.

The aforementioned watermark is a big critique I have of the film. I mean, I’m very flattered to have my name attached to such a fun project; however I feel it may hinder the movie’s success at the box office. Warner Brothers could have asked for my permission before slapping my name on one of the biggest films of the year. I would have said yes, but still, it would have been nice. This is not the only gripe I have with Wonka. The film is filled to the dumbass top hat brim with plot holes and inconsistencies. For example, a major plot point of the movie is Willy’s inability to read. Time and time again, it is mentioned that he cannot read, and another character, Noodle, even begins to teach him. But then, how did he learn his lines? Am I seriously supposed to believe that up until he begins learning from Noodle, he has been improvising all of his dialogue? That’s just lazy writing, if I’m being completely honest (I’ll never forget that night in Fiji, Timmy).

I do have to give some serious praise to my close personal friend, Keegan-Michael Key, for his dedication to his role as the chief of police. For a film that was shot in a few months, Key undergoes an insane weight transformation. He put on at least several hundred pounds for the role, but when I spoke with him over Zoom, he looked as thin as ever. Either that Zoom call had some serious CGI work, Key is the greatest method actor of all time, or the Ozempic rumors are true. Mr. Bean makes a surprise cameo in this film, tying it to the ever-expanding MBCU (Mr. Bean Cinematic Universe). Wonka reveals that after his retirement from the show, Mr. Bean found a new purpose in an expertly ambiguous religious organization and climbed his way to the top of their leadership—good for you, Mr. Bean.

All of this movie-reviewing nonsense is getting boring, so let’s talk about the real reason you’re here. You want to know what kind of chocolate bars the stars of Wonka like! Well, lucky for you, I had just enough time with my close personal friends Timothée Chalamet and Keegan-Michael Key to put together a tier list ranking seven of the most popular chocolate candies in the U.S. and Wonka Bars, which apparently were a real thing at one point.

Here’s the tier list:

I was unaware that being a successful actor meant you forgot what good chocolate tastes like. I don’t even like peanut butter, and Reese’s at ‘B’ feels too low. Don’t even get me started with Wonka Bars in the ‘S’ tier. Really guys? I expected better from my close personal friends.

Anyway, I don’t feel I can accurately rate this film because I got distracted by a squirrel outside halfway through and missed most of it. I can’t wait for the prequel to this one where Wonka is three, and not knowing how to read is more socially acceptable at that age.