Op-ed: Can We Stop Pretending the Food at 1851 Is Actually Good?

A lot of credit is owed to the marketing geniuses behind the conglomerate of food options located at 1851. But specifically, the sorry excuse for an Italian restaurant. No, I’m not referring to Tally Mac Shack (that place is literally shit covered in cheese). I mean Tuscan Eatery, the place that falsely advertises itself as “artisanal” (maybe derived from an artist’s anus?). Their “stone-fired” pizza and pasta could be produced from an Easy Bake oven and yield better results. Part of me wishes it would burn down overnight so they could replace it with something much better like an on-campus Guthries (but the only ones brave enough to take on this endeavor are the guys who built the Union…and we know how that went). At least with Tally Mac Shack, the bar was already set extremely low. 

I have visited this restaurant on many occasions and tried almost everything I could afford on their “hand-crafted” menu. Does one slice of sweaty dessert really need to cost as much as my meal? Despite serving the shittiest food on campus, (yes, worse than the Den) students still eat there regularly enough to keep it in business. I made it my personal mission to discover why. As I hid in the bushes of the sorority house across the street, I spotted a student carrying a to-go order from the Italian Eatery. After jay-sprinting across the street without looking both ways (as one does), I approached the civilian and questioned why they chose to eat there. “Sure it may all taste like cardboard slathered in marinara but when you’re high it doesn’t really make a difference. To be clear– I’m not high,” explains a pledge named Jake Doberman. Someone eavesdropping from a table nearby wanted to give her take, “I eat at Tuscan Eatery because it reminds me of that one time I studied abroad in Florence. Wanna see some pics? I mean, it’s probably the closest your broke ass will ever get to Europe. Yeah, I’m in a sorority why do you ask?” said Kylee Kaplin, a Zeta Zister, who gave us an entire interview (mostly consisting of subtle brags about her time abroad) before we could a single question. 

But the only Seminole Dining location that is notoriously worse than all the others at 1851, is Bento. I’m not saying their sushi gave me food poisoning, but I suspiciously got sick all five times after consuming it. At least with the Publix $5 sushi, you get what you pay for. But Bento hides under the guise that what they produce is actually authentic (and consumable). Bento was meant to fill a market gap for the lack of diversity in food options, and let’s be honest, who the fuck wants another Chick-fil-a or Starbucks? But this was surely a swing and a miss. “Whenever I’m craving sushi, this place turns me off it for at least 4 months and I resort to cup o’ noodles from my dorm microwave. So in a way, I guess I’m grateful that it’s saving me money,” shrugs freshman Danny Butlicker.

It’s no secret the majority of Seminole Dining locations suck ass, but my main issue with 1851 is it pretends that it doesn’t. That pretentious, overpriced, lame conglomerate of restaurants can fuck off! I am constantly leaving 1851 unsatisfied, (and the only other time that’s happened was after I would leave my ex-sneaky links! Emphasis on ex!) and now I’m broke from giving it four too many chances. And don’t even get me started on that dumbass cereal vending machine. I’d love to shake the hand of whoever came up with that then twist it behind their back and make them apologize. So the next time you’re hungry and craving anything that 1851 may have to offer, do yourself a favor and just go to Suwannee instead. Or literally anywhere else (you’ll thank me later).